


Yours, Alya

by nespera



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, So much angst, Violence, death tw, important character death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 07:56:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7352557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nespera/pseuds/nespera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Alya falls to her death, everyone has a hard time coping with it.</p><p>Or the one where Adrien tries to fix his best friends' hearts while trying not to fall apart himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Welcome to the angstiest fic I've ever thought of writing!  
> Some disclaimers:  
> \- this is my first fic ever  
> \- English is not my first language  
> \- please bear with me, I'm trying  
> Because of this, I'd really appreciate if any spelling mistakes were pointed out, and, of course, any constructive criticism is welcome!  
> I might edit some stuff after the whole fic is finished, if I think it might make it better (but only when it's finished).

                _“ALYA!” no no no please no couldn’t catch her catch her catch her CATCH HER just throw the damn yo-yo damnit catch her she was falling and falling no no_

 _“NO!”_ A sob ripped from Marinette’s throat as she sat up in her bed, trying to catch her breath. Another nightmare. Another night reliving the worst day of her life. It wouldn’t stop.

She squeezed her eyes shut and told herself to pull herself together, otherwise her parents would be walking into her room once again in the middle of the night, trying and failing to get her to sleep peacefully. She appreciated how they tried to help, but they didn’t know what her nightmares were about. They didn’t know she’d been there when Alya fell down from the Eiffel Tower. They thought all she was dreaming about were things her subconscious was making up, but _they weren’t_. They were real, and that made them unbearable.

                “Marinette?” Came a small voice from Marinette’s right. “Did you have another nightmare?”

                She nodded with a sigh, looking at her kwami’s worried eyes. “I’m sorry I woke you up, Tikki.”

                Marinette swung her legs off the bed and ran a hand through her hair. Sweat was making her pajamas stick to her skin, so she stood up and walked quietly to the bathroom to wash her face and change to something else. She avoided looking in the mirror as she splashed cold water on her face absentmindedly. She knew how she’d look, tired and heartbroken - just another reminder of how miserable her life was without Alya.

                “It wasn’t your fault.” Tikki said, closer than Marinette had noticed with her eyes closed. The kwami floated into Marinette’s open hands, looking up at her with big, sad eyes. “I know you’ve heard this a lot, but it’s true. There was nothing you could do, Marinette.”

                Marinette squeezed her eyes shut again. She’d heard it time and time again, how there was nothing she could do. Even Chat Noir told her, more than once. “ _I know._ ” She’d told him the first time, right before she ran off, leaving him dejectedly alone in the rooftop. She knows he hadn’t believed her, but it was okay. She didn’t believe herself either.

                “Thanks, Tikki.” She said quietly, forcing the smallest smile on her lips.

                She went back to bed knowing that there was no way she was getting any more sleep that night.

+++

                When Adrien walked into class the next morning, Marinette was already on her seat with her head down.

                “Good morning.” He told her with a small smile like he did every morning. He made sure to be extra careful and kind ever since Alya’s death, although nothing seemed to make a difference. Marinette barely lifted her head, and it had been weeks since he’d seen her smile. If he was honest, he didn’t feel like smiling either. But he felt so hopeless watching Marinette and Nino walk around completely lost and heartbroken, he just had to try _something_.

                “Good morning.” Marinette replied quietly, glancing briefly at Adrien before looking down again. He didn’t see her face much, especially since she didn’t keep her hair in pigtails anymore, instead letting it fall around her face in a curtain. But when he did see it, he felt like a piece of him cracked. Marinette looked like she hadn’t slept in weeks, with huge bags under her eyes. The gleam that had once been in her blue eyes was gone, and all that was left was a world of pain and despair.

                Nino walked in a few minutes later, not looking any better. He always glanced at Alya’s seat as if he’d forgotten she was gone, but the seat would always be empty, and his face would always crumble, and Adrien’s heart would break all over again.

                Nino and Alya had started dating ever since they got locked in a cage one afternoon, and even though they didn’t shout it from the rooftops, it was impossible to miss the love those two had for each other. They showed it when Nino casually kissed Alya’s cheek every morning when he got to class with the usual “hey babe”. They showed it when he bought a croissant for himself but with Alya’s favorite filling, because he knew he’d be giving her half of it. They showed it when Alya called Nino a dork before resting her chin on his shoulder with a smile. Everyone thought they wouldn’t last, considering they had decided they wanted to date after spending only one afternoon together, but everyone was proved wrong.

                And now Nino was living a nightmare.

                Adrien wasn’t as close to Alya as Nico and Marinette were – she hadn’t been his girlfriend for three years, or his best friend for longer than that –, but she’d been a close friend nonetheless, and he’d been gutted when he found out what had happened. Especially since it had happened right after an akuma attack, and he – Chat Noir – hadn’t been there to save her.

                When Ms. Bustier started the class, Adrien could almost pretend everything was normal, even though it was far from it.

+++

_"Miraculous Ladybug!” Marinette yelled as she threw her Lucky Charm into the air. Immediately, an explosion of pink energy unfurled all over Paris, reverting all the damage that had been done during the akuma attack. Wrecked cars were replaced, broken roofs were fixed, destroyed Wi-Fi towers were repaired, and people were safe and sound again, wearing relived smiles on their faces._

_Watching all that happen from the top of the Eiffel Tower was breathtaking, and Marinette allowed herself a moment to watch it in awe and relief._

_“W-What happened?” Alya asked, standing up._

_Marinette was about to give her a hand, but neither of them noticed how close to the edge Alya was until she tripped and fell backwards with a shriek. Marinette still had her hand stretched and a scream tearing at her throat, watching helplessly and frozen in place as her best friend fell to certain death._

_"ALYA!”_

                “Marinette.” Hands were gently shaking Marinette awake. She lifted her head and looked at her left, to where Alya was supposed to be making fun of her for falling asleep in class, but Alya wasn’t there. _Of course she isn’t there_ , she told herself, _Alya’s gone_. “You fell asleep.” Ms. Bustier said with a sad look. As Marinette looked around, she noticed most of her class looking at her with concern. Not even Chloé was sneering at her as usual, instead looking at her with what Marinette thought was pity.

                “I-I’m sorry… It won’t happen again.” Marinette told her teacher quietly, looking down at the still closed book in front of her. Even at school, her nightmares would follow her. How was she supposed to live like this?

                “How about you go home and rest, huh?” Ms. Bustier crouched down so she could look at Marinette’s face with a sympathetic look. Everyone was being so kind since Alya died. It was horrible. Marinette felt suffocated under all that kindness, all that pity. It was just another reminder of what she had lost. “Maybe it would help.” She pointed out gently.

                Marinette shook her head. “No, I’m okay.” She assured her teacher, proving her point by opening her book. She could feel Adrien’s eyes on her, but she didn’t dare lift her head to check.

                It had become easier to talk to Adrien over the years, even though she still blushed and stuttered slightly whenever the boy was around. However, ever since Alya’s death, it had become horribly painful to talk to people without being reminded of her. Marinette used to spend hours talking about Adrien with Alya, making silly and far-fetched plans for their future, giggling when she saw his photos, blushing when her best friend made a more serious comment on her gigantic crush on him. And now it would never happen again.

_“He was totally staring at you in class today.” Alya smirked at Marinette, looking at her upside down from the bed. They’d just finished homework, having some time left for Marinette to work on a dress while Alya scrolled down instagram on her phone._

_“No he wasn’t, he was just listening to what Ivan was saying.” Marinette said, purposefully avoiding eye contact. She could already feel her cheeks heating up like they always did whenever someone mentioned Adrien._

_“Girl,” Alya started, using her don’t-start-with-me voice, “you know he wasn’t paying attention to Ivan.”_

_“Do you really think so?” Marinette bit her bottom lip hopefully. It had been more than two years since she’d met Adrien, and her ridiculous crush on him hadn’t disappeared. At this rate, Marinette was starting to think it never would._

_“Have I ever lied to you?” Alya raised an eyebrow at Marinette, looking serious yet not serious enough for Marinette to take her seriously._

_“Well, there was that time--”_

_Alya waved her hand dismissively. “Details. I’m sure Adrien was looking at you and not at Ivan. Well, 87% sure, anyway.”_

_Marinette giggled excitedly and forgot the dress entirely as she threw herself onto the bed right next to her best friend, getting a startled yelp in response._

+++

                There was the _Before_ and the _After_.

 _Before_ , neither of them had a care in the world. After a lot of persuasion and encouragement, Alya had finally managed to convince Marinette that her designs were incredible enough to share with the world. Marinette, then, had started to make some original clothes and sharing the outcome online. She had only had the website for a few days, but she was already getting an overwhelming amount of positive feedback and a surprising number of people wondering if she was selling her original pieces. No amount of shaking from Alya could make Marinette believe so many people were in buying clothes that _she_ had made. The fact that the extra money would help her family’s business and that Marinette was doing something she loved finally convinced her to sell some of her original designs online, getting more recognition each day, to her continuous astonishment and Alya’s great pleasure. Meanwhile, Alya had been devoted to the Ladyblog, having become the most respected Ladybug blog in Paris (it might have had something to do with all the interviews Ladybug had _gladly_ given). Beside the Ladyblog, Alya had started writing small articles for a small local magazine, allowing her to get some practice for when she went to university – she was completely dedicated to becoming a journalist ( _You just see, I’m going to change the world someday_ ). And she had Nino, who she was utterly in love with and who was utterly in love with her. He (as well as Marinette) was there for her every step of the way. When Alya wasn’t with Nino, she was with Marinette, and they spent afternoons together either studying or working on their businesses (and occasionally gossiping, obviously. They were best friends after all). Life was as great as it could be.

 _After_ , everyone’s lives were turned upside down. Some of Alya’s subscribers – those who didn’t know what had happened yet – were wondering where she was, as neither Nino nor Marinette had the guts to write a message on her blog updating everyone. Marinette’s small business was forgotten. Her drawings and designs were still on her desk, exactly as they were the day Marinette left the house to fight the akuma, but they were ignored in favor of sadness and grief.  She didn’t draw or design anything anymore.

                Getting up was hard.

                Sleeping was harder.

                Eating was a struggle.

                So was showering.

                Everything Marinette used to do had become so much more painful.

                She gave up on everything. But there was one thing she couldn’t give up on, even if it was killing her inside.

                “Tikki, spots on.”

+++

                “Good evening, my lady.” Chat Noir sat down next to Ladybug on the roof. They’d wandered around Paris, making sure everything was calm before meeting each other. They used to meet on the Eiffel Tower, but since Alya’s death, Ladybug refused to even go near it unless there was an akuma there.

                After the incident, Ladybug had disappeared for a while. She hadn’t shown up at night for their patrols, nor did she contact Chat Noir to warn him of her whereabouts. One night, he had been driving himself crazy thinking that maybe something had happened to her (no, he wasn’t about to go to the police to report a missing superhero, _shut up_ ), when she showed up silently and sat down beside him like she hadn’t been missing for days, driving him out of his mind with worry. She had looked exhausted and miserable, and it had broken Chat’s heart in a million pieces to see someone he cared so deeply about looking like that.

                 Neither of them spoke that night, as neither of them knew how to express what they were feeling. Words wouldn’t do justice to how much Chat was hurting for Ladybug.  And words surely wouldn’t even scratch the surface of Ladybug’s unyielding pain. Although they hadn’t spoken, Chat had been so relieved to see her again that, before they went their separate ways, he’d pulled her into a tight hug and gently kissed her forehead, silently letting her know he was still there for her. He’d always be there for her.

                “Good evening, Chat.” Ladybug said, glancing at him from under her bangs. She was hugging her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them, silently watching the city.

                That was always how he found her after what happened. Always at the same place. Always looking at Paris like it had disappointed her. Barely even glancing at the Eiffel Tower.

                He understood why she was left so shaken after the incident. Alya was the first person to die because of an akuma attack. At the worst thing was, if it had happen five seconds earlier, it would have been reversed, just like everything else. They were supposed to be heroes. No one was supposed to die during their watch.

                It still hurt Adrien to remember how wretched Ladybug had been when he found her.

_“She fell! She fell and I couldn’t save her!” Ladybug’s eyes were so wide it was alarming. The ambulances were gone already, just like everyone else, leaving Ladybug and Chat Noir by themselves._

_“Ladybug--” Chat tried to say something before he was interrupted._

_“Why didn’t the Miraculous work? It should have brought her back!” Her cheeks were red under the mask and her eyes terrified, so horribly terrified. Adrien knew instantly that look would haunt him forever._

_“M-Maybe… Maybe it was over w-when… when she…” god, he couldn’t even say it. He couldn’t believe it, either. The whole thing was a nightmare._

_He had never seen Ladybug losing control like this. She was pacing around, tugging on her ponytails like she wanted to rip them off. Chat tried to get close to her, but she stepped back immediately, shaking her head. Maybe if she was crying it would be better. Maybe she’d let him hold her and he wouldn’t feel so… useless._

_“Oh my god. Oh my god. No.” Ladybug muttered, horrified._

_Chat watched helplessly as the girl he loved fell apart in front of his eyes._

                “Everything seems calm, huh?” Chat asked, looking at her from the corner of his eyes. She didn’t say anything, instead continuing to look at the city with a vacant look in her eyes.

                Chat frowned. He hadn’t liked it when she disappeared for days, but after seeing how hurt she still was, he understood that maybe she needed some time to grieve. “You know, there hasn’t been an akuma attack since…” he trailed off, “I-I mean, it’s been so calm I figured… I-If you want, you could go home and… rest.”

                She finally turned those big, unhappy eyes at him.

                Oh, what he would give to turn back time. He wanted the old Ladybug back. The amazing girl who rolled her eyes at him, who talked back, who fought with everything she had. It was bad enough that he’d lost Alya and had to watch his friends slowly tear themselves apart from the inside out, but now he was losing Ladybug too. He was losing everyone, and in no time he’d be alone again.

                “I can’t, Chat. It’s my duty. I can’t ignore it like I’ve been doing anymore. Just because… Just because someone died” Ladybug’s voice broke slightly. “We haven’t found Hawkmoth yet. Our job isn’t done until we do. We have to keep going, even if…” Her voice shook with the effort of trying to get the words out.

                That was probably the most she spoke in weeks. It was a depressing thought, and it was even worse the fact that it gave Chat some hope.

                “Ladybug, you can’t keep blaming y--”

                “Chat, please.” She whispered, shutting her eyes. She looked so hurt, Chat’s shoulders fell. “I can’t… I don’t want to talk about it.”

                Chat nodded, wishing there was something he could do to make her feel even slightly better. He kept trying to tell her that it had been an accident. He told her time and time again that it hadn’t been her fault, but she’d heard it all before. There had to be something else he could do or say to reassure her that there was nothing she could do. Or else he’d repeat the same things over and over until she eventually believed him. He’d be a steady presence in her life, firmly by her side even when they spent nights in silence, staring at the city that gave them everything and brutally ripped everything away from them. He’d be her lifeline, if she wanted him.

                “You know I’m here for you, right?” Chat asked, half-crawling to sit right in front of her. His gloved hands covered hers, and he might have imagined it, but he thought he felt her shiver.

                Hours passed. Or maybe just seconds, but Chat was lost in time trying to see remnants of the girl he loved in the heartbroken hero in front of him.

                But slowly, after what felt like an eternity, Ladybug nodded, looking up at him with a small, forced smile. (Well, he’d take what he could get, even if it pained him).

                “Thank you, Chat.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some disclaimers and warnings:  
> \- I decided to change the rating for "Teen and Up Audiences" since it's obvious this story covers some heavy and serious topics.  
> \- I don't dance ballet, neither do I know a lot about it. The extent of my knowledge is the research I did online.  
> \- This chapter contains descriptions of panic attacks and violence - it's not very bad, but there are some blood mentions.

                Everyone made it seem like the five stages of grief were just a common procedure to go through after a loved one passed away. First comes denial, then comes anger, then bargaining, then depression, and finally, acceptance. A sequence of simple and straightforward predetermined steps to make everyone believe they’re in the right track to recovery. Marinette supposed since her life had been turned upside down and tossed around, her stages of grief might have suffered too. They had stumbled upon one another, bled into each other until Marinette was a confused mess of feelings and heartache.

                _Denial_?

                Marinette wanted so terribly bad to believe everything had been a twisted nightmare. She had spent days locked up with her phone in her hand, calling Alya every five minutes, wishing her best friend would pick up. Maybe if she called enough times, and if she pretended Alya was really listening, she’d still be there. With each call, Marinette had felt a piece of her sanity fading away.

                _Hey, Alya. If you could call me back and tell me you’re okay, please, just do it. I’m… I’m going mad over here. Please tell me the last days weren’t real._

_Hey, Alya. Did you see the news yesterday? You should have. You were all everyone was talking about. I couldn’t watch all of it. I couldn’t see your face and... (sigh)_

_Hey, Alya. I have that jacket you asked me to fix for you. I couldn’t put it away. I told my parents not to touch it. I’m still hoping you’re coming to get it._

_Hey, Alya. Remember that dress I was making? My mom said it was beautiful. She said I should wear it, but I was making it for you and now I don’t know what to do with it._

_Hey, Alya. Where did you go?_

_I miss you._

                So, denial? You could say that.

                _Anger_?

                Marinette was the one who had stayed with Alya until the ambulances arrived. She was the one who had refused to let her go even when the medics were pulling her away. There were videos of that moment all over the internet, of Marinette – no, _Ladybug_ – lashing out and yelling at medics to let her stay with Alya, only calming down when Chat Noir arrived and, as politely as he could after having found out what had happened, told the medics he could handle it. Those same videos had been on the news, mocking Marinette, as if telling everyone “looks like your precious Ladybug isn’t the hero you all thought she was”.

                Apart from the thrashing around in the hands of medics and policemen, Marinette hadn’t felt anything except emptiness since then. A void inside herself, like half of her was missing and the other half didn’t know how to keep going without it. She missed Alya constantly, and it was all-consuming.

                _Bargaining_?

                Oh, how many times had Marinette wished it had been her instead of Alya tripping over the railing. She would rather die a thousand painful deaths than live knowing the best half of her was dead. She had asked every god and wishing star for her best friend back, praying for just one measly second of Alya’s characteristic grin again. She just wanted to let her know how much she loved her. And tell her how sorry she was. None of it was fair.

                _Depression_?

                Marinette hated that word and every variation of it. It sounded so awfully clinical and impersonal, like being depressed is as simple as having a cold. ( _I just lost my best friend so now I’m depressed. Common procedure, you know? It will be over in no time_.)

                The rational part of Marinette knew her parents had gone from heartbroken after hearing the news – after all, Alya had been practically like a second daughter to them – to worried sick about her when she didn’t leave her room. (“ _She’s grieving, Tom_ ”, she’d heard her mother say one night, trying to excuse all the dinners Marinette hadn’t had with them so she could stay in her room by herself.). They had left her alone for a few days, but when it became apparent she wasn’t getting any better, they had cautiously approached her with the idea of talking to someone. She had refused. The only person she wanted to talk to was Alya.

                After a lot of trying and failing to convince Marinette to go to a support group or to a psychiatrist, her parents had been casually leaving flyers and pamphlets about depression around the house. (“ _Are you feeling blue?”,_ “ _There is a way to feel good again!_ ”) A particular one had called her attention and it made her blood run cold – “ _Speak up. Reach out. SUICIDE is 100% preventable._ ” She didn’t mention it, but she knew her parents had seen it in the trashcan, because that night the looks they shared between them were a little more worried, and their words to her were a little kinder.

                She ignored everything.

                The next logical stage after all of that would be the final one – _acceptance_.

                It would never come.

                The five stages of grief were a lie.

+++

                Marinette supposed she couldn’t avoid an akuma attack forever, as they hadn’t caught Hawkmoth yet and, as far as they knew, he was still intent on getting their miraculouses. There was bound to be an attack sooner or later but, although she’d been preparing herself for it, Marinette wasn’t ready.

                And she sure wasn’t ready for the akumatized villain to be one of Alya’s sisters, Camille.

                It made sense, really. Thinking back at it, it was weird that no one had been akumatized after Alya’s death, seeing that there were so many people who were heartbroken when she died. Hawkmoth relied on negative emotions to fulfill his needs, so it shouldn’t come as a surprised to anyone that someone close to Alya had been akumatized.

                Thinking about that didn’t make it any easier.

                Marinette gave herself a weak but much needed pep talk with help from Tikki for at least four whole minutes after she’d heard screaming outside and realized there was an akuma attack before she flung herself out her window. Chat Noir was already at the scene with his baton at the ready and a regretful and slightly disturbed expression on his face.

                “Ah, Ladybug. I thought you’d never come.” Came an alarmingly familiar voice from the villain in front of her.

                “Camille…” Ladybug’s horrified whisper slipped out of her lips without thought.

                Marinette had been in Alya’s house a fair share of times. Although they usually hung out at her house because Alya’s was too noisy and distracting, Marinette had talked to and played with Alya’s sisters enough times that eventually she had started to feel like one of them. Which is why she was so disturbed to see sweet little Camille’s smile turned into a bloodcurdling smirk. The usual pink tutu had become black and was completely torn and frayed, making it look disheveled and sinister, just like the rest of her look – the ballerina bun was too messy, the hair too dark, the dark circles under her eyes too strong. Not to mention the fact that she looked just like a younger version of Alya.

                “I am not Camille,” it was Camille’s voice but it lacked the usual warmth Marinette was so used to hearing, “I am Lady Brisé!”

                Ladybug was struck with a panic so unrelenting she was glued to the spot, gaping at the 13-year-old girl in who was cackling cruelly in front of her and Chat Noir.

                “Ladybug.” Another familiar voice, but this one was closer, friendly. “What’s the plan?” Chat Noir asked, ready to act.

                Ladybug was about to speak – she’d tell Chat Noir she didn’t have a plan, grab her yo-yo, flee from the scene, curl up on her bed and ignore everyone and everything.

                “Ladybug.” Chat Noir called again, more persistently.

                “I-I…” She started, at a loss for words. It was taking every ounce of willpower not to break down in tears right there.

                “No one cared when someone was taken away from me!” Lady Brisé sneered, the corners of her lips turning up in another chilling smirk as she regarded Ladybug’s stunned expression. “Let’s see what people will do when someone _they_ care is taken away from them.”

                Lady Brisé winked – it was disturbing to see a 13 year-old girl wink like she was about to tear Paris apart with her own hands – and ran away, twirling and jumping from rooftop to rooftop, like she was ballet dancing, while Ladybug stood rooted to the spot.

                What happened next was a smear in Marinette’s consciousness. She was full of white noise, and no one could cut through it, not even herself.

                Her ears were ringing. Black gloved hands on her shoulders. Familiar green eyes in front of her. A worried face under a black mask. Chat’s lips moving, saying something. He was talking. He was telling her something, but she couldn’t focus. She felt like she was underwater, like everything outside her was static, like she was covered and paralyzed, drenched in a never-ending winter. All she saw were cold eyes, cruel smirks, ballerinas dancing away, Alya’s face on a 13-year-old’s body, Alya falling and falling and falling, blood on the floor, blood on her suit, blood everywhere, so much blood.

                Her chest hurt. Like someone was sitting on her, except she was standing up and the only thing crowding her was darkness, despair, misery. And there was Chat. Chat’s hands were shaking. Or maybe she was shaking and Chat was trying to calm her down. Everything was a blur, everything hurt, everything was a _mess_. Ladybug couldn’t breathe. _Breathe breathe BREATHE_. She couldn’t do it. She was dying. She was going to die. Alya was dead and now she’d die too.

                “Ladybug!” Chat’s hands moved to cup her face, forcing her to look at him. His eyes were wide and afraid, and she tried to focus on them so she wouldn’t have to feel herself fading away. “Listen to me! You have to take deep breaths. Take deep breaths with me, okay?” And then he proceeded to show Ladybug how lungs were supposed to work. Ladybug tried to keep up as much as she could, but it wasn’t easy when it felt like all her insides were collapsing at once.

_Breathe in. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath out. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Again._

                “I’m right here. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” Chat’s soothing voice wrapped her up like a blanket, and only when she was somewhat calmer did she realize she was clutching at Chat’s wrists like they were the only thing keeping her alive. “I’m right here.”

                Blue eyes looking into green ones, hands keeping each other up, panic slowly fading away. _Chat’s here. Chat’s here. I’m okay. Everything’s going to be okay_. Chat kept breathing deeply with Ladybug, continuing to reassure her that she’d be okay, until it looked like she could do it on her own. His hands didn’t leave her face until she broke eye contact a few long minutes later.

                Ladybug’s eyes fell closed as she let herself sag against her partner. Chat was there, holding her up, pulling her closer. She could feel the steady beat of his heart against the palms of her hands, pulling her down to the present. She rested her head right by his bell, making herself believe that everything was fine, and allowed herself a moment to feel Chat’s hands rubbing her back soothingly.

                Ladybug had no idea how much time had passed when she heard someone screaming from a street below them. Time was a funny concept in the _After_. “We need to go.” She mumbled against Chat’s chest before pulling herself from his grip. He let go easily, but there was still a worried frown on his face.

                She wanted to let him know why she’d broken down in front of him. She wanted to tell him that she knew the girl, that she’s spent afternoons with her, helping her with her French, that she’d taken her cookies fresh out of the oven from her parent’s bakery, that she’d been to her ballet recital. She wanted to tell Chat that the girl was her dead best friend’s little sister, but she was Ladybug, not Marinette.

                “Did you see where the akuma was?” Chat asked.

                Ladybug shook her head apologetically. “No, I… I didn’t see much.”

                “What do you think she’s doing?” Chat asked as they started running in the direction of the scream.

                “I don’t know. Nothing good.” Ladybug said, a terrible feeling knotting up her insides, before she jumped from the rooftop along Chat.

+++

                It didn’t take long for them to find Lady Brisé, and with her were a lot of people crying and a lot of unconscious people on the floor.

                Ladybug saw a guy not much older than she was hunched over a red-haired girl, crying his eyes out, and then she noticed a small pool of blood on the floor and even more blood coming from a big gash on the girl’s head. It took Ladybug herculean strength not to throw up and pass out right there, either from shock or recollection of what had happened to Alya. Her insides were tearing themselves apart at the sight, and Ladybug had to look away. She wanted Chat’s hands on her shoulders, his voice on her ears. She wanted to breathe again, and he was the only one who could help her.

                Lady Brisé laughed. Maybe laughed wasn’t the right word – maniacal guffawed would probably more appropriate.

                “HOW DOES IT FEEL, HUH?” Lady Brisé roared, with wild, wide eyes and a mad smirk on her lips, like hurting people was making her cheerful. “HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE SOMEONE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU?”

                Ladybug felt a hand on her shoulder.

                “Where do you think the akuma is?” Chat asked quietly in her ear.

                “I-I don’t know.” Ladybug whispered back. “Her ballet shoes? O-Or maybe-”

                Lady Brisé turned around, giving Ladybug and Marinette a perfect view of her attire.

                “-her necklace.” Ladybug mumbled, almost to herself.

                Lady Brisé was wearing a small necklace with a tiny, and now also black, ballet shoe pendant on it. Ladybug knew that necklace. Alya had made Marinette go shopping with her for something to give Camille when she broke her ankle the previous year and couldn’t dance for weeks. They took hours to find something.

_“I don’t suppose you could just buy her a ‘Get Well Soon’ card?” Marinette asked tiredly after hours walking around the mall searching for the perfect gift._

_“Are you kidding me?” Alya turned to her with her hands on her hips and a taken aback expression. “She’s my baby sister. I can’t just give her a card!”_

_“Doesn’t she like Disney movies?” Marinette asked._

_Alya waved her hand dismissively. “I need something special. A DVD doesn’t scream ‘your big sister is hurting for you and wishes it was her on your place’. I need to show her I’m on her side. I mean, I know my parents support her and everything, but they don’t really take her passion for ballet seriously. She deserves more than that, you know? And now she can’t dance for a while, so--”_

_Marinette had stopped listening halfway through as she passed through a jewelry store with a beautiful silver necklace on the showcase. “What about this?” She asked, and not a second later, she felt Alya beside her, wearing a triumphant grin._

_“Marinette, you miraculous fashion freak.”_

                “It’s her necklace.” Ladybug whispered, stunned.

                “Are you sure?” Chat asked.

                Ladybug’s eyes didn’t leave the necklace, even as she spoke. “ I don’t see where else it could be.”

                Right after Ladybug said that, a little girl who couldn’t be older than 9 years old and her father who were hiding behind a car started running away from Lady Brisé. Ladybug and Chat Noir watched, horror-struck, as Lady Brisé twirled perfectly like she was in a ballet recital before she slowed down right in front of the man and raised her leg mid-twirl, kicking the man on his chest so hard he went flying, his body dropping limply on the floor almost at the end of the street.

                “ _Papa_!” The little girl screamed and ran to her father, who stood motionless on the floor as Lady Brisé cackled again.

                “Oh my god…” Chat Noir whispered, sickened.

                Ladybug could feel herself going into panic mode again, but Chat was there before it could hit her full force. “Hey.” He called, concerned as he saw her starting to have difficulty breathing.

                “What if it doesn’t work?” Ladybug muttered quickly. “What if-”

                “Ladybug.”

                “-I can’t reverse this, just like I couldn’t-”

                 “Hey.” He turned her to him, placing his hands on her shoulders.  “Listen to me. Breathe. In, and out.” He started breathing deeply again with her. She tried to focus on numbers, counting the seconds in her head, counting how many breaths she took, instead of letting her mind be consumed with dreadful _what-if_ ’s. “That’s it.” Chat encouraged her, not stopping until she calmed down completely.

                He talked quietly so Lady Brisé couldn’t hear them, even if she was too busy causing mayhem in the streets. “We’ve done this a thousand times. We just need to find the akuma and everything will go back to normal, okay? No big deal. It’s going to be fine.” He shot her a small smile, and Ladybug was floored at how much she’d missed it. “We’re the cat-and-bug team, remember? We got this.”

                Ladybug was still trying not to go back into full-panic mode, but she forced a tiny smile too, for both of their sakes. “Bug-and-cat team, you mean.”

                She could see the relief sweeping into Chat’s eyes like liquid warmth, and if Ladybug hadn’t been completely focused on him, she wouldn’t have noticed the way his smile widened just a fraction.

                “Let’s do this, then.” Chat said, standing up and taking Ladybug’s hands, pulling her up.

+++

                “I see you also want to dance!” Lady Brisé called as soon as she saw Ladybug and Chat Noir, the corners of her lips turning into a smirk.

                Ladybug was still trying to get used to seeing someone so similar to Alya in front of her. She’d avoided seeing her best friend’s family since the incident, but now that wasn’t an option anymore.

                Chat and Ladybug both ran at Lady Brisé, Chat spinning his baton and Ladybug her yo-yo, but they should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy. Lady Brisé might be a little girl, be she was fast and agile, and with a swift move, she jumped over them and landed in a perfect pose, with one foot in front of the other, each pointing in their own direction, and with her arms placed delicately in front of her like a ballerina.

                “Those who do not know how to dance,” Lady Brisé started with a warning tone in her voice and a threatening look in her eyes, “should know better than to fight a ballerina.”

                Ladybug threw her yo-yo in Lady Brisé’s direction, but the villain bended at the waist, raised her leg and promptly kicked the yo-yo away. Ladybug cursed under her breath, tired and frustrated, trying to ignore the weeping people around her. She could still hear the little girl crying, and she couldn’t help but look back at them, against her better judgment, seeing the little girl at her father’s feet, alone and terrified. She was instantly taken back to the day of Alya’s death, and when Chat called her back to the present, it was too late.

                “Ladybug!” Chat warned before Ladybug felt a sharp pain on her back that sent her to the floor, falling on her stomach with a huff.

                When she looked up, trying to ignore the white hot pain in her body, she saw Lady Brisé coming down at her, and she barely had time to roll away before the villain landed with her ballet shoes right where Ladybug’s head had been just a second before.

                “If you don’t want to dance with me, you should give me your miraculous.” Lady Brisé sneered at Ladybug.

                Ladybug’s eyes were wide and frightened as Alya’s little sister looked at her like she was her dinner.

                _Breathe_.

                Chat’s voice in the back of her mind reminded her. Unfortunately, it didn’t tell her to _do something_ , like she should have done, and instead forced Chat Noir to try to distract Lady Brisé himself so that Ladybug could escape her immediate death threats.

                When Lady Brisé realized what was happening, she didn’t hesitate to act. Ladybug watched in horror as Lady Brisé repeated her move and delivered such a strong kick to Chat Noir’s chest he went flying fast and hard into the nearest wall, dropping to the floor lifelessly with a thud like he was nothing other than a small, weak cat.

                Ladybug’s ears were ringing. She kept hearing Chat’s body hitting the wall, his bones cracking like the broken pieces of her heart, then hitting the floor, the fresh new shards of her heart cutting through her body from the inside out. A scream as guttural and desperate as when she saw Alya’s body dropping from the Eiffel tower ripped from her throat, making her insides freeze and her mind combust at the sight of her partner, one of her best friends, one of the very few people she could count on with her life, lying lifelessly on the floor.

                “CHAT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some other things I should mention:  
> \- I made up Alya's sister's name because I don't think it's ever been mentioned (correct me if I'm wrong).  
> \- From what I gathered with my online research (which I didn't do to a great extent) Brisé is a name of a ballet move, and it means "broken", "breaking".  
> \- INFO ON NEXT UPDATE: I am going on vacations with my family tomorrow for two whole weeks, and I won't have internet there, so I won't be able to upload. I'll try to get some writing done so I can post it when I get home, but for two weeks I'll be offline. I hope you understand!


	3. Chapter 3

                There weren’t many things that kept Marinette _grounded_ since Alya’s death. Her business had been neglected since the incident, so were her drawings, and her crush on Adrien (although still there) wasn’t enough to make her want to get up in the morning. On a good day, she could maybe count her blessings with one hand, if she tried hard enough. Her parents, who took so good care of her when she couldn’t do it herself; Tikki, who told her wonderful stories about adventures she’d been in centuries ago, lulling her to sleep with her soothing voice; Nino, who, despite also being in pain, always made sure to be there for Marinette, helping her in her darkest moments; Adrien, who constantly tried to take her mind off Alya, even if to do that he had to constantly ask for her help with his homework, which she knew most of the time he’d already completed.

                And Chat.

                Chat Noir was one of them.

                Chat Noir, who didn’t even know the whole story. Chat Noir, who didn’t know she was mourning the loss of her best friend. Chat Noir, who didn’t know she’d brutally lost a chunk of her heart. Chat Noir, who didn’t know a part of her had died with the girl who fell from the Eiffel Tower.

                He had tried relentlessly to bring some joy into her life through bad jokes and cat puns, and yet she’d ignored all his efforts in order to wallow in guilt and grief. She’d taken him for granted, thinking he was the invincible, unstoppable, unbelievably great hero she’d always thought he was. Everyone talked about Ladybug like she was the biggest hero in Paris, but she knew. She knew Chat was the one holding Paris together. He always had, albeit with a reckless, and sometimes irresponsible, attitude.

                She just never _learnt_ to value people like she should, did she?

                Chat had always been there to save Ladybug, and she had always believed him to be a steady presence beside her in their fight. But he was just a person underneath the black mask. His bones could break, his lungs could collapse, his heart could stop just as easily as anybody else’s.

                There was nothing she wanted more than to burn the image of Chat colliding harshly with the wall before hitting the ground with a final, deadly sound. She wanted to burn the image Chat’s life being ripped away from him as he was trying to save _Ladybug_. He was trying to save his partner, and because of her he wasn’t getting back up, wasn’t moving at all.

                “No.” Ladybug mumbled to herself as she desperately ran to Chat. “No no nonononono.”  She fell to her knees next to his body. “ _No_.”

                She wanted to touch him, but her trembling hands hovered above him, uncertain. Scared. Her heart was hammering against her chest, painfully trying to break through her ribcage. She had caused this.

                “Chat?” she called, more quietly than she probably should. At that moment, she was nothing more than a child, holding back tears. _He’s okay. He’s okay, he has to be okay._ “Chat,” she called again, louder, the volume of her voice matching the panic spreading through her mind. _Breathebreathebreathe. He told you to breathe, remember?_ Ladybug’s hands reached out, ignoring her growing fear, and unceremoniously rolled Chat onto his back. He went easily, the only thing offering (little) resistance being his dead weight.

                Her breath got caught in her throat as she confirmed what she’d seen from a distance. Chat’s green eyes were closed, and right below his mask were scratches from his fall. He wasn’t bleeding (not that she could see), but he wasn’t waking up either, and Ladybug pulled him half into her lap, hoping to make him more comfortable. Anything to make him come back. Ladybug was lost, terrified, didn’t know what to do, didn’t want to lose him, never him. “Chat, wake up,” she choked out, gently slapping his face. “Wake up.” She repeated. She said it over and over again, her voice raising until she was finally yelling it out, letting out her pain and frustration and fear through her screams, violently shaking the boy in her arms like he was a rag doll.

_“You can go home, chaton,” Ladybug said, hugging her knees. She knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep when she got home. She would toss and turn in the bed, and when (_ if _!) she fell asleep, she would wake up a couple of hours later or less, sobbing, seeing Alya’s body drop over and over again. Better to stay outside a while longer, getting some fresh air. “There’s nothing to fight here.”_

_Chat turned to her with furrowed brows, tilting his head to the side. “What about you?” he asked._

_“I might stay awake for a while,” she replied simply. He knew what she meant. He knew she wasn’t dealing well with what had happened._

_Silence._

_And then Chat’s voice, barely more than a whisper, barely louder than the gentle night breeze._

_“I’ll stay with you.”_

                “WAKE UP!” Ladybug yelled desperately one last time before breaking down. The feeling of a hot tear running down her cheek was only a fleeting sensation pushed to the back of her mind.

                She hugged him against her chest, feeling his hair tickling her skin. He was noticeably bigger than the first time they met, more muscular from all the fighting they did (and who knows what else the person behind the mask did on his days), taller, no longer a boy.

                Chat Noir’s ears weren’t twitching, his eyes weren’t opening, and _he wasn’t breathing_. Ladybug didn’t know what to do. He was the one who helped her when she had panic attacks. He was the one who sat beside her quietly for hours until she felt like talking. What was she supposed to do now, if he disappeared? What was she going to do if she had to go through another loss all over again?

                Marinette’s system would mess up again, her parents would start shoving pamphlets inside their croissants, Adrien would start asking her to help him tie his shoes, more missed classes, more pity looks, more _panic_.

                Marinette couldn’t handle that. She was barely holding on as it was.

                “Please,” Ladybug whimpered against his hair with a sob, feeling another tear down her face. “Please wake up.” She brushed his hair away from his forehead gently. “Please don’t leave me.”

                Nothing.

                And then, a laugh. But not from Chat. Not from the one Ladybug desperately wished it was from.

_Lady Brisé._

                “You thought you could get away with what you did?” Lady Brisé’s lips twisted into that perverse smirk again, like she was enjoying. _It was Hawkmoth, not Camille_ , Ladybug reminded herself. _Camille was grieving and Hawkmoth had taken advantage of that_. “Well, guess what, Ladybug?” Lady Brisé continued. “You took someone important from me. And I took someone important from _you_.” She laughed, dancing away.

_Ladybug had caused this. It was her fault. Again._

People were lingering behind hidden spots, peering at Ladybug with fear and confusion. Everyone was expecting her to chase Lady Brisé and fight. But she didn’t.

                Ladybug wiped her tears away and stood up, throwing Chat over her shoulder with as much care as she could. She knew she had to fight Lady Brisé, but she didn’t want to leave Chat there, where everyone could see their fallen hero. The noblest thing to do would be to take him to the Eiffel Tower, a place he loved - and where they had spent so much time together -, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She’d seen Alya disappear in front of her eyes there, she couldn’t bear to leave Chat in that place too. So she took him to the rooftop where they met after the patrols. It wasn’t nearly as good, especially considering that every time they were there Ladybug barely spoke and Chat was always trying to cheer her up, but it was the least she could do for him.

                "I'm sorry," she wept as she landed on the rooftop, "I'm so sorry, Chat." Ladybug looked down at Chat Noir one last time through her watery eyes before gently kissing his forehead and carefully laying him down with a sob.

+++

                Ladybug didn’t have to do that much to find Lady Brisé. She just had to follow the screams of terrified citizens who had been caught by surprise. Everyone close enough to hear what was happening was running, afraid Lady Brisé was going to attack them, but only the ones who weren’t alone suffered. Couples, parents and children, friends, anyone with company - one of them would take a powerful kick to the chest or a well packed punch by a 13 year-old ballerina while the other watched in horror. That was Lady Brisé’s revenge. She wanted everyone to lose someone special to them. And she did it while doing what Camille did best – dancing -, just like Ladybug had let Alya die while she did her job - saving Paris.

                Ladybug checked her surroundings. She couldn’t think straight – her mind was all over the place. Part of her was still on that other street, helplessly watching Lady Brisé attack her partner, or on that rooftop, laying Chat down. She could never go back there again. She couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing Chat dead one more time.

                She focused for long enough to realize that Lady Brisé was about to attack a couple of girls who were trying to run away, and Ladybug immediately jumped down in front of them. She threw her yo-yo at Lady Brisé’s wrists, which were raised in a delicate arch on top of her head, catching her by surprise if her widened eyes were anything to go by.

                “Chat Noir’s gone. I hope you’re happy,” Ladybug announced, angry tears pooling in the corners of her eyes.

_Don’t cry._

_I’ll stay with you. I’ll stay with you. I’ll stay with you._

                Lady Brisé smirked, unfazed by her bounded wrists. “Good. I wanted you to know how I felt when you went and killed that girl like she had done something to you. So tell me, Laybug,” she casually asked, “how are you feeling?”

                "You weren't the only one who lost her," Ladybug almost growled. Her tears were melting under her fury, and she wanted nothing more than to unleash it at someone. " _I_ lost her too. It hurt _me_ too. I want her back as much as you do!" She howled. "You don't get to say you're the only one who suffered!"

                Lady Brisé's smirk was whisked away by Ladybug's words, and her face reddened with anger. With a few twirls and intricate hand movements, she had easily freed her wrist from Ladybug's yo-yo and was advancing towards the hero. "Then you should have thought twice before you killed her," she murmured, loud enough for Ladybug to hear. Ladybug was still processing Lady Brisé’s words, slightly shocked because it was the first time she heard someone else say what she’d been thinking to herself every day – _youkilledheryoukilledheryoukilledher_ -, when she was kicked in the stomach and plummeted backwards.

                It took a few seconds for Ladybug to recover, and by that time Lady Brisé was already dancing away. Faintly, she could hear the villain say “don’t worry; you’ll get your miraculous, Hawkmoth.”

                _Hawkmoth_.

                Ladybug had to remind herself that it wasn’t Camille who was hurling insults her way, but a sick, twisted version of her, consumed by anger and grief.

                “Ladybug.” She heard a voice call. A few people were closing in around her, looking worriedly at her while a man helped her up. Everyone started firing questions at her like she was casually taking a walk and had not been almost knocked out in a fight.

                “Are you okay?”

                “What’s going on?”

                “Where’s Chat Noir?”

                “Is this about that girl who died?”

                “Is Chat Noir okay?”

                Ladybug couldn’t keep up with all the questions and expectant eyes, and she felt her chest tightening. “I-I…”

                “You have to find my sister!”

                “Oh my god, I can’t believe this.”

                “What should we do?”

                “I don’t want to die!”

                “What happened to Chat Noir?”

                Ladybug shut her eyes tightly and told herself to breathe. People were too close, too loud, she wanted to run away, disappear. The tightness in her chest was only getting worse, and there wasn’t enough air for her to feel like she could handle what was being thrown her way. She was hyperventilating, but she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

_“Do it for her.”_

_Ladybug looked up at Chat Noir, questioningly. It wasn’t that she didn’t know who he was talking about – it hadn’t been the first time she’d voiced her concern that maybe she wasn’t as cut for the job as everyone thought she was, that she didn’t know if she could keep going -, she just didn’t understand why he’d say that. It was because of Alya’s death that she didn’t feel fit for the job anymore._

_“If you can’t find any other reason to keep going, remember Alya. She idolized you. She had a website all about you.” He said, mirroring her position by hugging his knees to his chest. “She’d want you to keep fighting.”_

_“If it weren’t for me, she would still be here. She put her faith in the wrong person.” Ladybug mumbled, breaking eye contact and looking away._

                “Hey!” A voice called, louder than all the other that were firing questions and accusations her way. “Give her some space!”

                Ladybug raised her head to look at who was defending her, and felt like someone had just punched her in the chest. Because there, trying to squeeze through the crowd to get to her, was Nino. “You can’t just ambush her like that and expect her to answer all of your questions,” he said to the crowd. “Let her do her job in peace.”

                Some people mulled over his words and started walking away, while others were still hesitant, waiting for Ladybug to say something.

                Ladybug just wanted to disappear. She didn’t want to disappoint the people from her city, who had always counted on her, but she couldn’t say the words they wanted to hear if they weren’t true. And they wanted to know that Chat Noir was alright (which he wasn’t), that she had everything under control (which she hadn’t), and that everything would go back to normal soon (which probably wouldn’t happen because Chat Noir was dead and Ladybug was a nervous wreck and there was a murderous child causing mayhem on the Parisian streets).

                “I-I’m sorry,” Ladybug croaked out, crumbling under the stares of expectant citizens, but most importantly, in front of her friend Nino, who didn’t deserve any of what was happening. She threw her yo-yo at the nearest post and ran away, like she was slowly but surely getting used to doing.

+++

                Ladybug’s priority was to keep herself together for long enough to find Lady Brisé and hopefully reverse everything that happened.

                There were too many injured people, and too many _dead_ people this time. There had never been an akumatized villain who killed people. When Alya died, everything slowed down, to the point where weeks passed without a single akuma attack. Apparently Hawkmoth was just waiting for the best moment to catch Ladybug and Chat Noir by surprise. And then things snowballed into a catastrophe.

                (She could almost hear Chat Noir saying _Cat-astrophe_ while wearing that stupidly goofy grin. It hurt her to think about him.)

                She didn’t know how her lucky charm worked when reversing deaths. It certainly didn’t reverse Alya’s. She’d abandoned all hope at that point, but everyone was counting on her. She had to do it. If not for Alya, for Chat Noir. He’d died trying to save her. And she didn’t want any more deaths.

                “Ladybug?” Ladybug heard a small voice call out. When she looked at the source, she saw a little girl (couldn’t be more than 7 years old, _what was she doing alone_ ), clutching a doll to her chest with a scared look on her face. “Have you caught the bad girl yet?”

                Ladybug’s own face fell at the little girls words. “Not yet… What’s your name?” she asked, crouching down in front of the girl.

                “Anie,” the little girl said quietly.

                “Where are your parents, Anie?” Ladybug asked, slightly afraid of the answer she’d get.

                The little girl’s bottom lip started trembling, and her eyes began to fill with tears. “That bad girl hurt them.”

                _Crack_. Another piece of her heart being torn away from her.

                Ladybug’s face contorted into a mixture of fear and sadness. “I’ll find them and make everything go back to normal, okay?” she asked, channeling all her strength into stopping her voice from trembling. “But you can’t stay here, it’s dangerous.” She looked around, thinking about what she should do. “I’ll take you to a really nice boy, he’s going to take care of you while I go catch the bad girl, okay?” Ladybug explained Anie, as kindly and carefully as she could.

                Anie nodded.

+++

                “Nino.” Ladybug called.

                The boy was on his way back home when he heard his name called by no other than Paris’ heroine, Ladybug.

                He’d been so mad at Ladybug for a few days after Alya’s death. He’d hated her, even. Thinking that she was right _there_ , right next to Alya, and didn’t do anything to help? How could she? But then she caught a glimpse of her and Chat Noir while they were doing patrols or something at night and, man, that was a depressed person if he ever saw one. He realized there was _no way_ Ladybug, a hero, would let someone die if she could help it. And Ladybug was _always_ trying to help everyone.

                Plus, Alya worshiped her. And anyone Alya loved, Nino could never hate.

                “I need a favor,” she said, grabbing a little girl’s hand. Nino just stood there dumbfounded, blinking at her words. “Can you take care of this little girl for a bit? While I take care of…” she trailed off, knowing he’d understand.

                “Uhh…” Nino looked down at the little girl who was nervously biting her nails and holding on to a doll. “Sure…”

                Ladybug blew out a relieved breath. “Thank you.” She crouched down. “Nino here is going to take care of you, okay?” The little girl nodded shyly. “I’ll come back with your parents in a little bit.”

                This she could do – focus on something important. A small goal in a major disaster. If she focused on bringing Anie’s parents back to her, she wouldn’t think about Chat lying on that rooftop.

                “Ladybug.” She was turning back to go find Lady Brisé again when Nino called her. “That girl… Lady Brisé…” he started, and Ladybug’s mind was already going to a bad place, anticipating what would come next. “She’s my girlfriend’s little sister… You know… Alya? She… She d-died a few weeks ago?” He said. Ladybug could see tears pooling in his eyes and _she couldn’t deal with this any more than he could_ , she was just barely holding her own tears back, but still, she forced herself to nod just slightly. “If you could just… Solve this… Without hurting her… That would be great.”

                Ladybug nodded again, unable to say anything else. She watched Nino take Anie’s hand and walk away with her, not looking back, and she suddenly wished she didn’t have to be a hero anymore.

+++

                “So… What’s your name?” Nino asked the little girl as they sat down on a bench at the park.

                “Anie,” the little girl answered with a small voice.

                Nino nodded. He had no idea what to do. He was making it up as he went. How did Ladybug and Chat Noir manage to save an entire city from evil and he couldn’t keep a conversation with a kid going?

                Man, how he wished Alya was there to help him. She always knew how to deal with little kids. Even Manon, who was a travel sized demon, had been wrapped around her finger.

                _“Babe!” Nino called out when a little girl Alya was babysitting latched onto his leg and wouldn’t let go. Alya had gone to the kitchen to make the little girl’s lunch, leaving Nino to take care of the little demon. “She won’t let go of my leg!”_

_“Now, Jeanne, we don’t go around hugging other girl’s boyfriends,” Alya said, walking in the living room and picking the girl up, albeit with a little effort from her part, since Jeanne was still attached to Nino’s leg. “You have to get your own.”_

_“Daddy said I can’t get a boyfriend yet. I’m too little.” Jeanne said with a pout._

_“Then you have to listen to your daddy,” Alya said, tickling her stomach, making Jeanne giggle. “Now let’s go finish your lunch. Do you want to help?” She asked Jeanne, who nodded enthusiastically._

_“Come on, babe, you’re helping too.” Alya told Nino, shooting him a wink before turning her back to him and taking Jeanne to the kitchen._

                “Was that girl who fell from the Eiffel Tower your girlfriend?” Anie asked, looking up at him from under her big blonde lashes. He’d been so deep in his thoughts that Anie’s voice had startled him.

                “Yeah…” He answered, looking down. It still hurt to think about Alya. It still hurt to think he’d never be able to see her again.

                “I saw her when my mummy was watching the news. She was really pretty.” Anie was playing with her doll while she said that, running her little fingers through the doll’s hair.

                Nino couldn’t help but smile at that. Alya had always been pretty, but in the last year, she’d become something else. And she had Marinette to help her with the fashion stuff, so it was a given that she was as beautiful as they come. And even though most guys looked at her for longer than they should (everyone knew _Nino_ was her _boyfriend_ , come on), Alya wouldn’t look at any of them twice.

                It still baffled Nino it was _him_ she’d chosen.

                “She was, wasn’t she? I was a really lucky guy.” He answered, his voice surprisingly unwavering.

                Anie turned to him with a pretty little smile, and Nino thought the day could be worse.

                An hour later, maybe, while Anie was telling Nino what she’d learnt at school, the sky turned pink, making their heads turn up. It was Ladybug’s Lucky Charm, which meant that she had defeated Lady Brisé and made everything go back to normal. Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... It's been what, 4 or 5 months since I last updated? I'm really sorry about that. This story isn't exactly very happy, and I haven't been in the right mindset to write it, and then uni started again and drowned me in work and stress. But I hope you've enjoyed it!  
> As always, I would really appreciate it if you left some feedback (I've really liked your comments so far, thank you so much!).


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter than the previous chapters. Not much is going on - I didn't want every chapter to have really intense scenes. At the beginning I thought I could make it longer and fit one there, but I didn't want to rush things too much, so this is more of a filler chapter. (Also, I haven't posted anything in so long I didn't think it was fair to keep you waiting even longer for something that would probably not be that good)

                Adrien liked to think he was making some progress on cheering up his friends (not cheering up, exactly, but taking their mind off their pain, hopefully). However, the next day when he walked into class, Marinette wasn’t there. She hadn’t been sick the day before, and he highly doubted that was the reason she was absent, so he figured she’d retreated back into herself.

                Now, he was already in an awful mood since waking up on that rooftop with no news about Ladybug whatsoever (not to mention after apparently being killed). He’d wanted to smash that stupid billboard on that stupid rooftop he was when it became apparent, after the sky was cleared and everything went back to normal, that Ladybug wasn’t going back to check on him. He’d wandered around the streets, even asking people if they’d seen her, but everyone said that no, they didn’t, they’d been inside their homes all the time and by the time they had come out, Ladybug was gone and so was Lady Brisé. He’d tried to call her, too, but she had probably de-transformed because he couldn’t get a connection.

                “Good morning, Nino,” he said as his friend sat next to him. Nino seemed tired, too, as usual, but he was recovering. Adrien still tried to avoid mentioning Alya or anything that could even slightly resemble her or remind him of her. It seemed easier for Nino to remember her without getting tearful, though, which Adrien thought was a good progress. The pain of losing her would never go away, and both boys knew it, but eventually they hoped it would bring along happier memories, not just unbearable ones.

                “Hey, man.” Nino said, giving Adrien a small smile. _Small victories_ , Adrien thought.

                “Um… Is Marinette not coming today?” Adrien asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

                Nino gave him a small shrug of his shoulders. “Dunno.” He looked down, going back to his mind, doodling on his notebook.

                Adrien looked at the empty table behind him and sighed. Without Alya and Marinette whispering and giggling behind them, the class felt empty. No matter how hard Adrien tried to ignore it, it didn’t feel right to keep moving on as if nothing had happened.

                Maybe that’s why Marinette refused to try.

+++

                “Did you hear what happened yesterday with Ladybug and Chat Noir?” Nino asked Adrien at lunch.

                Adrien’s interest was instantly piqued. He hadn’t had the chance to ask around what had happened while he was, well… dead, and now that Alya was gone, no one updated the Ladyblog. Adrien thought Marinette would take over, but she hadn’t even updated her own fashion website, let alone something that was originally her best friend’s.

                “Uh, no…” Adrien mumbled, trying to sound indifferent.

                “I saw her. Ladybug, I mean. And man, I thought I would feel this… This hatred, you know? That’s the girl responsible for Alya’s death.” Adrien felt a sudden urge to defend his partner. Ladybug wasn’t responsible for anyone’s death. But Nino continued talking. “But then I saw her, and dude. There’s no way she could have done it. Either that or she regrets it, big time.”

                “Why do you say that?” Adrien asked, his brows furrowed.

                “Chat Noir wasn’t there. I don’t know what happened to him, but she was alone, and everyone was around her, asking her all these questions, like ‘what’s going on, where’s chat noir, oh my god,’ that kind of stuff. She was just standing there, looking terrified, seconds away from a freaking full-on panic attack, and man, I knew right away she wasn’t okay in the slightest.”

                Adrien felt horrible. If he had thought of another way to distract Lady Brisé, he could have been there for Ladybug, and she wouldn’t have to go through an akuma attack all by herself. That was not how it worked. They were a team. They worked best when they were side by side. It was obvious things didn’t go well when they weren’t together - Alya’s death proved it. And now he wanted nothing more than to bolt out of there and turn Paris upside down looking for Ladybug, to hug her and make sure she was okay.

                “And I mean, she’d saved Alya more than once, why would she kill her?” Nino continued, oblivious to Adrien’s internal conflict.

                “Yeah. I don’t think she did it either.” Adrien replied quietly.

                “And Alya,” Nino started again, and this time he couldn’t keep his voice from breaking at the mention of his girlfriend’s name. “Alya just… loved her. Ladybug was her idol. And Ladybug was never… _not_ nice to her, you know?” He sighed. “I guess… I guess I just wanted to blame it on someone. And Ladybug was the most convenient person.” He smiled, but it pained Adrien to see. It wasn’t a real smile, it didn’t reach his eyes. Adrien hadn’t seen one of those genuine ones for a while. This was a more of a self-deprecating smile

                _If you want to blame someone, blame me_ , Adrien thought to himself.

                He was so tired. Tired of losing people. Of not being enough. Tired of what himself, Nino, Marinette and Ladybug were going through. All the people close to him were hurting, and he couldn’t fix it.

+++

                After school, Adrien couldn’t stand the thought of going home and being alone with his thoughts, so he went to Marinette’s house.

                The smell of baked goods hit him before the warmth of the bakery, and he was glad to be enveloped by a feeling of comfort and tenderness. Going to the Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie was always the highlight of his days - if not for the warm cookies Mrs. Cheng always gave him, for the opportunity to hang out with Marinette.

                “Adrien,” Mrs. Cheng greeted him with a kind smile. “How are you?”

                “I’m okay, thank you” Adrien replied with a smile of his own, even though he didn’t feel okay at all. “I’m actually here to see Marinette. She didn’t go to school today, so I thought…”

                Mrs. Cheng smile faltered a bit. “Ah, yes… She woke up feeling terrible. She didn’t want to leave her bed, and Tom and I decided to leave her be. It wouldn’t do her any good to go to school today.” She sounded so sad, Adrien just wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be okay. “Maybe you could try to talk to her?” She asked him, sounding hopeful.

                As if Adrien could ever say no to that. “I can try,” Adrien promised.

                He’d been in Marinette’s house enough times to know where her room was, and apparently her parents were comfortable enough with him being there that they didn’t feel the need to tell their daughter of his presence before he went up to her room. That thought would have been heartwarming if he wasn’t there to try and cheer up Marinette. He knocked on her door and called “Marinette?”

                A few moments passed, and Adrien was about to turn back, thinking that maybe Marinette was asleep, when he heard her voice, “Adrien?”

                He lifted the trapdoor and peeked inside, only managing to see Marinette’s face in her bed. “Were you asleep? I can go…”

                “N-no. Come in…” she said, sitting up on her bed slowly with bloodshot eyes and rumpled hair.

                He missed her pigtails. It was an odd thought to have, but when Alya died, Marinette stopped putting her hair into pigtails, so he was reminded of a happier time whenever he thought about them. Not that Marinette didn’t look pretty with her hair down, in fact, she always looked cute. But she didn’t look happy. That’s the thing he missed most.

                “You didn’t go to school today…” Adrien said, walking into her room. “I was— _Nino and I_ were worried.” He added, scratching the back of his neck while his cheeks flushed red.

                “Oh,” Marinette said, sitting up on her bed. “I-I wasn’t feeling that great... And I didn’t think going to school was going to make it better,” she mumbled, looking down at her hands.

                Adrien bit his lip. He stood awkwardly in the middle of her room, not knowing where to look or where to put his feet. “Should I leave?” He asked, pointing back to the door. “You probably want to go back to sleep…”

                Marinette shook her head instantly. “No. I-I mean, you can, i-if you want, but… you can stay,” she said, and now _she_ was the one blushing. “We could watch a movie, or something…” she mumbled awkwardly.

                God, she didn’t even know why it was still so weird to talk to Adrien. They’d watched movies in her bedroom before. Sure, Nino and Alya were usually with them, but it was almost the same thing. Or at least Marinette said so to herself.

                “Oh,” Adrien said, looking like he hadn’t expected the invitation. “Sure, if you don’t mind…”

                “Of course not,” Marinette said, scooting over to the side of the bed. “It might take my mind of…” she trailed off, not knowing how or wanting to finish the sentence. She didn’t even know who had control over her worries that day. Alya was a constant pain, but Chat Noir was gone too, and now Marinette was stuck thinking about her two dead best friends constantly. “Come on up,” she called instead.

                Adrien climbed up the stairs quietly and sat down on the bed next to Marinette, stretching his legs in front of him as she opened up her laptop. While she was searching for a film to watch, Adrien took some time looking at her, thinking of what to say. He was so used to making his friends feel better that, when no one was speaking, he felt somehow uncomfortable. He knew she wasn’t well, and he wanted to do _something_ , but he knew nothing he could say would help much. He knew, because there’s nothing he hadn’t said before.

                “How’s Nino?” Marinette suddenly asked, glancing at him. He noticed a faint blush appearing on her cheeks before she looked back at the screen. It had been a while since she’d felt a bit flustered while talking to him. Maybe Alya made her feel more confident. And now that Alya wasn’t there, it felt like they were going back to the start.

                Alya was their glue.

                “Huh?” Adrien asked awkwardly before he realized that the question wasn’t that complex and he’d heard it just fine. “Oh, uh, he’s… getting better.” He said quietly. “Why do you ask?”

                Marinette shrugged slightly, and without taking her eyes off the screen, as if it was the most interesting thing, she answered. “It’s just… we used to hang out so much… with Alya…” she started quietly, “and… when she died…” she bit her lip. Adrien could tell it still hurt her to say it out loud, and he felt a sudden urge to give her a hug. “We still got together most days. But now, I feel like we’re just…” Marinette shrugged again, not finishing her sentence.

                Adrien nodded anyway.

                “I think he feels the same.” Adrien told her, and continued when he felt her eyes on him. “Uh… I think… losing Alya was…” he hesitated, looking for the right words. “It was really hard, for him. For all of us. But especially, for both of you.” He saw her eyes drifting downwards to her lap, but he continued. “But I think… drifting apart from you… has made it harder for him.” He said, taking a breath.

                Marinette looked sad, and slightly guilty.

                “Maybe it’s made it harder for you too,” he murmured softly, his eyes on her.

                He could tell she was holding back tears, even if she wasn’t looking at him. If only because she’d been looking at the same movie poster since the conversation started and made no effort to move.

+++

                Neither of them was paying much attention to the movie, each lost to their thoughts. Marinette was mulling over Adrien’s words, and Adrien was thinking of how he missed hanging out with both Marinette and Nino. And how he missed Alya. It hadn’t really occurred to him before that Marinette had become more comfortable around him because of Alya, or that Nino had started hanging out with Marinette because his girlfriend made sure they all got along great.

                _Alya was their glue_. And now Adrien needed to find a way to be the glue _himself_.

                Halfway through the movie, he felt Marinette’s head dropping slowly to rest on his shoulder, and when he looked down, he saw her eyes closed and her lips parted, her breath coming out evenly. He bit his lip and decided not to move just yet. Judging by the bags he’d seen under her eyes when he arrived, he suspected she couldn’t have gotten a lot of sleep in a while. He’d let her sleep as long as she needed, if it was going to make her feel better.

                When the movie ended, Adrien was barely able to keep his eyes open. He was so comfortable there, and glad that Marinette was sleeping soundly. Maybe he was half-asleep when he decided to stay there, but he suddenly found himself sending a message to Natalie saying he was staying at Marinette’s. Short and to the point, like his father’s son.

                When the accident happened, he’d think his father wouldn’t let him leave the house again. He thought he’d have to go back to the endless rules and strict schedules, taking his bodyguard along if he ever wanted to set foot out of the house. But maybe knowing that Adrien had lost a friend had made his father more considerate, and so the opposite happened. Natalie would only tell him to call her when he needed her to pick him up, instead of always waiting for him outside his school, because she knew he liked to stay behind with Nino. And his father didn’t request his presence in as many photoshoots as before, because he knew Adrien liked to hang out with Marinette in his spare time. Maybe the fact that his father had lost his best friend too reminded him how much Adrien’s friends needed his presence and support. So he stopped getting in the way so much.

                Adrien was grateful for that, and one night, he told his father that. Gabriel had tried to appear nonchalant, but he couldn’t help a small, sad smile. He’d hugged Adrien for the first time in what felt like forever, telling him he was proud of him, and Adrien had gone to sleep feeling like maybe things would be okay.

                He settled back against the pillows more comfortably, placing the laptop on the nightstand and carefully moving Marinette so her head was resting on a pillow on his lap. Gently brushing her bangs away from her forehead, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

                They’d be okay, again. He’d make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes that I made in this chapter (it's very late as I'm posting this so I haven't really checked for mistakes) - if you see one, please tell me! :) Once again, I'm sorry about the long wait. I'm kinda in a weird situation right now and didn't really have the time or the motivation to write anything. I didn't want to post something that I didn't think was good enough. I hope you enjoyed it and give some feedback if you can! I love reading your comments, it makes me really happy that you guys are enjoying it. Much love xx


	5. Chapter 5

_“Here’s what you’re gonna do.”_

_Marinette started rolling her eyes, but listened with a smile on her face while her best friend plotted the perfect plan. This always happened after Marinette was left completely speechless, or worse – completely humiliated herself in front of Adrien with her stuttering and tripping over her words. Alya would turn to her with a determined look on her face and start planning something crazier, just so Marinette could take her mind off her ridiculous attempt at a conversation._

_“You’re gonna march right up to Adrien,” Alya started with a hand on Marinette’s shoulder and the other gesturing as the plan went on._

_“Mm-hmm,” Marinette nodded, showing just a little too much enthusiasm so Alya knew there was no way she would go along with any crazy plan willingly._

_“You’re gonna grab him by his jacket,” Alya continued._

_“Uh-uh,” Marinette played along._

_“And you’re gonna say, ‘Adrien, I’ve liked you since you gave me your umbrella on that rainy day’,” Alya said confidently, at which point Marinette just raised an eyebrow at her. “’Do you want to grab ice cream with me after school?’”_

_Marinette rolled her eyes again. “Now you’re just messing with me. You just saw how I couldn’t even say good morning to him without messing up completely.”_

_Alya sighed. “Girl, if I could give you my eyes for five minutes so you could see how unnecessarily scared you’re being right now, you know I’d do it in a second.” She grabbed both of Marinette’s shoulders. “Did you see his face when he saw your sketchbook the other day? He was completely amazed!” Alya said excitedly. “On second thought, maybe you could ask him if you could draw him. For a project.” She winked at her best friend._

_Marinette could feel a blush creeping up her cheeks. “Alya!”_

_Alya giggled, linking her arm with Marinette’s and dragging her to class. “Okay, okay. Baby steps. Maybe today you can ask him how his weekend was.”_

                She _did_ ask him how his weekend was that day. And later, Alya made sure to let her know how proud she was.

+++

                “Have you been keeping up with the news?” Adrien heard Rose as soon as he walked in the classroom. “No one knows where Ladybug is. She always used to show up after she captured the akuma, and some people say they sometimes saw her at night jumping around checking if everything was fine, but no one saw her after that battle.”

                Adrien’s brows furrowed. So he hadn’t been the only one noticing her absence.

                He nudged Nino. “Did you hear that?” Adrien asked, looking over at Rose.

                Nino followed his gaze. “About Ladybug?” He half-shrugged, “yeah, people are confused. Things are weird now, man.” He said, looking down. It was implied that the _now_ meant _after Alya’s death._ “Ladybug and Chat Noir aren’t the same anymore.”

                Adrien’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean?” he asked. Sure, he didn’t see Ladybug as often either, and when he did, she was always sad and gloomy. But they still fought well. They caught the akumas. There was no reason for people to think something was _that_ different. At least, not that he knew of.

                Nino sighed. “Well, for once, Ladybug doesn’t talk to people as often as she did before. Not to mention about the panic attack she almost had in the middle of the street the other day. Chat Noir isn’t all smiles and winks like he used to be. He just seems worried and… different.” He sighed again, sitting down and looking at his closed notebook. “What happened with Alya didn’t just hurt her friends,” Adrien could see tears welling up in Nino’s eyes, “Ladybug and Chat Noir are superheroes. They were supposed to save her, like they did everyone else, and they couldn’t. If I were in their shoes, I wouldn’t feel very _super_.”

                Adrien felt like crap.

                And then Marinette walked in with bloodshot eyes and bags under them, and Adrien felt even worse.

                He was supposed to help Ladybug. He was supposed to be there for her.

                On the day of the accident, Adrien had what his father called ‘the most important shoot of his modeling career’. Never mind the fact that Adrien didn’t even know if he really wanted to pursue a modeling career. He liked learning languages. And history. He didn’t really like having his face plastered around Paris, or having girls touch his arms (or even try to slip their hands under his shirt, like that one awkward time on a birthday party) when he agreed to take a photo with them. He liked quiet afternoons studying with his friends. He liked playing video games with Nino and eating junk food and amazing pastries from Marinette’s family’s bakery. He couldn’t eat whatever he wanted for a week before the shoot. He couldn’t meet his friends on the day of the shoot because everyone was so busy and they all needed him there for some stupid reason.

                So that’s what happened. The most important shoot of his modeling career was the reason Alya wasn’t with them anymore.

                He didn’t even know where his bag was that day. He’d dropped it on a couch when he got to the shoot and someone took it and left it somewhere else. When he finished, he went looking for his phone to find missed calls from Nino and Chloé. And messages. Messages talking about Alya.

                Who had been akumatized.

                By the time he got to the Eiffel Tower it was too late, and he’d never forgive himself for it.

_“She fell! She fell and I couldn’t save her!”_

Her eyes were so wide and scared when he found her. She was fighting the medics, the police, everyone who was keeping her away from Alya. Eventually, he managed to calm her down enough to take her to a rooftop, where she tried to explain what had happened. Between stuttered words, jumbled thoughts, and muttering the same words over and over ( _oh my god, no, no, it can’t be, no_ ), he could barely make out the necessary. She wasn’t crying, per se, but she was hyperventilating and dry heaving, and Chat felt helpless. Helpless and guilty.

                Reality only dawned on him that night at home. He was about to go to bed when he caught a glimpse of a photo of himself with his friends – Nino, Marinette, and Alya. That’s when he realized that he would never see Alya again, he wouldn’t see her at school with Marinette, he wouldn’t see her filming her favorite heroes anymore because she was _gone_ , she had _died_ that afternoon. One of the best people he had ever met, one of his closest friends, had _died_.

                _“Look at that. My boyfriend and my boyfriend’s boyfriend,” Alya smirked as she sat down next to Nino._

_“You know Adrien’s only my side chick,” Nino joked, kissing her cheek with a smile. “Hey, babe. Where’s Marinette?”_

_“Finishing up a dress at home. She was supposed to have finished it yesterday, but something came up, apparently,” Alya shrugged._

_“So, why are we here again?” Adrien asked, sipping his milkshake._

_“Right.” Nino started. “Well, you know my birthday’s coming up……” he continued with an excited grin. Adrien and Alya shared a surreptitious look with a smile. They had been planning a surprise party for weeks (with Marinette’s help, who was trying to get Jagged Stone to make an appearance), and although it was difficult to hide things from Nino, they were convinced it was going to be worth it. It had been Alya’s idea, and Adrien was on board instantly (“I’m thinking DJ’s playing Nino’s songs, Jagged Stone, a bunch of our friends, we’d make some pizzas and get drinks. A whole night of partying, he’d love it,” Alya had said). Her enthusiasm was contagious._

_“So I was thinking,” Nino announced, “of throwing a party next Saturday!” He looked at them expectantly. “What do you say?”_

_And so Adrien and Alya did exactly as they had agreed to – grimaced with a regretful look and avoided Nino’s eyes. They knew immediately he’d bought the whole thing._

_“Come on. Why are you making those faces?” Nino asked, disappointed._

_“Sorry, babe, I’m going to go to my grandma’s next Saturday,” Alya said, biting her lip._

_“And I have a shoot that day too,” Adrien winced._

_Nino sighed, defeated. “I can’t believe my girlfriend and my best friend can’t come to my birthday party. What’s the point of throwing a party then?”_

_While Nino drank his milkshake with a dejected expression, Adrien and Alya shared a fist bump under the table and kept the victorious smirks to themselves._

                Adrien’s father found him crying on his bedroom floor, hugging his knees to his chest. Surprisingly, he sat with him, wrapped his arms around his son. And that was that.

                The following day, Adrien went to Nino’s house.

+++

                While Adrien was making up a plan in his head to go look for Ladybug right after school, Marinette was saying hello to him and Nino and making an effort.

                After finding another psychotherapy pamphlet on the kitchen counter that morning, Marinette decided that if her life wasn’t ever going to be normal again, at least she was going to pretend otherwise. Hopefully it would convince her parents and her teachers to stop trying to _convince her_ to talk to a professional, and hopefully it would also keep the worried looks out of her friends’ faces.

                Nino was obviously trying. At least he seemed to be getting more sleep than she was. And even though sometimes he looked like he spaced out for a while in class, he always managed to finish (most of) his homework, whereas Marinette didn’t even try.

                She couldn’t blame him for wanting to move on, but it still hurt to think that life went on without Alya, because _hers_ didn’t. She had stopped at the point in time when her best friend had died, and since then there had been nothing. No designing, no opening emails, no studying, no going out with friends, she’s even stopped caring that much about her duty as Ladybug (which Tikki was sad and somewhat disappointed about). And it _bothered_ her that others seemed to forget what happened so quickly.

                “Hey Nino,” Marinette greeted, faking the realest looking smile she could muster.

                “Hey,” Nino said, giving her a small smile.

                “So…” Marinette wanted to hide. But she _had_ to do this. She promised herself she’s show everyone she was fine. “Are you doing something after school?” she asked, biting her lip and clutching her bag’s strap.

                Nino looked surprised for a moment before clearing his throat and fiddling with the headphones around his neck. “Uh, no… Why do you ask?”

                “Do you, uh… want to hang out? F-for a bit?” Why did it seem like she was talking to someone who she had never met before?

                “Oh.” Nino choked out. He looked like he was at a loss for words, for a bit. Like a fish out of water. If Alya were there, she would have already rolled her eyes and said ‘ _chillax, guys, it’s not like you’re going to have sex’_. But then again, if Alya were there, the conversation wouldn’t be so tense. In fact, they wouldn’t even be _having_ the conversation. “Yeah, sure,” He said, with a nervous smile.

                “Great,” she smiled again. Then she looked at Adrien, and her cheeks turned pink when she realized she was basically excluding him from the conversation. “What about you, Adrien?” she asked.

                Adrien was lost in thought when he heard his name. “Huh?” he asked, noticing Marinette and Nino were looking at him.

                “Do you want to hang out later?” Nino asked, much more at ease than Marinette would have been.

                “Uh, sorry, I can’t,” Adrien grimaced, scratching the back of his neck.

                “Oh,” Marinette mumbled, part disappointed, part relieved. While she was happy Nino agreed to hang out after school, part of her didn’t want to prolong the time she had to interact with any of them. She just wanted to get home and sleep.

                Her head was still hurting from thinking about Chat Noir. She was still suffering from Alya’s death, which had happened just a few weeks ago, and now she had to deal with another friend’s death.

                But Chat Noir was her partner. And he’d taken the hit because she wasn’t doing her job right. And now she’d never see him again. She couldn’t apologize for the way she’d been ignoring his efforts for the past weeks, or –

                “Marinette,” a voice pulled her back to Earth.

                Adrien.

                “Are you okay?” he asked.

                She looked around to see everyone already sat on their seats, while Marinette stood in the middle of the hall, looking at nothing.

                “Yeah, I’m fine,” she answered automatically. She didn’t even need to think of what to say, that lie came as naturally as breathing for her these days. Quickly, she sat down on her usual seat, careful to not make eye contact with anybody. Her cheeks were heating up again, because she was so _tired_ of being the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. She was tired of people feeling sorry for her, and talking to her like she was a _baby_ , when in reality she was just devastated that her best friends were dead. She wasn’t stupid. She didn’t need coddling. She needed space, and peace, and to forget.

_“We need ice cream.”_

_Marinette groaned half-heartedly._

_“Girl, don’t make that face. You just saw your crush get asked on a date by another girl. Not just some girl – a freaking_ model _. We need ice cream to drown our sorrows,” Alya said, pulling her to the nearest grocery store._

_“’Our’ sorrows?” Marinette raised an eyebrow. “Last time I checked, you were happily in love with your boyfriend.”_

_Alya rolled her eyes. “I am. But you’re my best friend. You’re basically my sister. What you feel, I feel. And I don’t want you to be sad because then_ I’ll _be sad, and Sad Alya is not a Fun Alya.”_

                Marinette burrowed her head in her arms, flooded by memories, until the teacher walked in and started talking.

+++

                Adrien didn’t waste any time.

                As soon as classes ended, he grabbed his things and stood up. “Sorry guys, I have to go,” he said, and left without waiting for an answer. He had to find Ladybug. Obviously they’d been more than two days apart when Alya died. But she wasn’t in a good place, mental health-wise, and who knew what she would do if she thought Chat Noir was also dead. (And also, knowing her, she’d probably think it was her fault too.). Adrien just needed to check that she was okay, that she hadn’t done anything stupid. He would never forgive himself if something happened to Ladybug.

                He’d been in love with that girl ever since he’d met her. Of course, he’d dated some other girls over the years (only two) but none of them came close to being half of what Ladybug was. Nothing ever lasted.

                Anna, who’d transfer to their school when Adrien was in grade ten, had short, dark hair and blue eyes. (“ _Are you dating her because she almost looks like Ladybug?”, “Shut up, Plagg, of course not._ ”) And he wasn’t. Or at least that’s what he thought. But it was certainly what drew him in. That, and the fact that she wasn’t afraid to say what she was thinking, and that she teased him sometimes, much like what Ladybug did, but not quite like _how_ she did it. That relationship lasted for five months, until Adrien was tired of telling himself he enjoyed Anna’s company, only to be disappointed to talk to her after patrolling with the real Ladybug. It never felt as good as he wanted it to feel.  
                And then came Julie, a model who his father had hired for a shoot with him. He didn’t know what she saw in him, and honestly, he wasn’t that infatuated with her either. But everyone seemed to want the two of them to get together, so it made sense at the time to give it a try. Obviously, it wasn’t what he wanted, and so he had to break it off as gently as he could, which went better than he expected. Julie agreed that none of them were happy with each other, and were better off as friends. So that was that. Two months together during grade eleven, being unhappy, just to realize that they were both better off alone.

                And all that lead back to _Ladybug_. That amazing girl who he could never let go of, even knowing she wanted nothing more than friendship with him.

                That girl who was now broken inside, and who refused to let anyone break down her walls. That _insufferable, incredible_ girl who refused to let anyone help her.

                He had to find her. He had to know she was alright.

                “Plagg, claws out!”

+++

                Marinette was hugging her books to her chest on her way to a café with Nino. She didn’t know how to start a conversation, and neither did he, and everything in her was hurting.

                “So…” Nino began awkwardly. “How’s… how’s the business?”

                Marinette almost shut her eyes and curled up in a ball right in the middle of the street. Of course Nino hadn’t been checking her website. Marinette _herself_ hadn’t been checking her website. Nino probably didn’t even think Marinette had actually continued making and selling clothes, and she couldn’t blame him for wanting to start a conversation and saying that as a unaware opener. But it brought back so many memories of afternoons with Alya. Alya trying on dresses for Marinette to finish some details, Alya reading the comments out loud, Alya giving her opinion on whether a skirt was too short or too long for a specific person who requested it. Alya was everywhere. She wondered how people got over it. Those five stupid stages of grief were never-ending.

_Breathe in. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath out. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Again._

                Somehow it was Chat Noir’s voice that she heard at that moment, and it simultaneously calmed her down and made her feel worse. She had nothing to tie her to her old life now. Not Alya, not Chat. Everything had changed.

                “Uh… I-I haven’t actually been making any new clothes. You know, s-since…” Marinette bit her lip. Nino looked down.

                That was going terribly.

                “Yeah, I get it. I haven’t been making any new music either.” Nino murmured to the ground, sliding his hands into his pockets.

                Nino started taking music more seriously when Alya started encouraging him to show it to people. He started out by playing his songs in one of Alya’s parties, and eventually, word got around. Before he knew it, friends of friends were asking him to go to _their_ parties, and it escalated.

                “It’s sad thought, isn’t it?” Marinette was brought back to the present with Nino’s question. His brows were furrowed, like he was thinking really hard about something that was bothering him. “Alya made sure we got to follow our dreams.” _Stab_. “And now that she’s… she’s gone… We’ve stopped doing it.” _Twist_. “I keep thinking if this is what she would have wanted, and I know the answer is no.” Nino looked at Marinette. “But how can I… how can we just…” He trailed off dejectedly.

                And suddenly, something behind Marinette caught his attention. His face changed from miserable to confused.

                “Chat Noir?”

                Marinette’s heartbeat quickened so fast she thought she would pass out for a brief moment, before finding the courage to turn around. It couldn’t be. Chat Noir was dead. But she _did_ turn around, and sure enough, there he was.

                Her partner.

                _Alive_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Just wanted to remind you that feedback is (and has been) very much appreciated! I absolutely love reading the comments you leave, it makes me beyond happy!


	6. Chapter 6

                “You didn’t happen to see Ladybug, did you?” Chat Noir asked as he came to a stop in front of Nino and Marinette. Nino looked confused, which Chat could understand. Usually Ladybug would be at his side, and he wouldn’t have to be asking around if anyone knew where she was. But Marinette was looking downright _terrified_. She looked like she’d seen a ghost, staring at him with wide, fearful eyes.

                Chat’s guilt came back in full force. Marinette shouldn’t have to go through this. She should feel comfort and safety near the people who were supposed to help Paris, not hatred and fear for the people who couldn’t save her best friend from death. He just wanted to get it over with so he could leave her in peace.

                “No…” Nino said hesitantly. “Shouldn’t you know where she was? Isn’t she supposed to always be with you?”

                “Well…” How could Chat Noir explain that Ladybug had disappeared without a warning because she was probably having panic attacks left and right at the thought of having to face people again? “She’s going through a rough path and she’s not answering my calls.”

+++

                “Marinette, what’s going on?”

                Tikki’s voice pierced through the haze Marinette was in, running through the streets of Paris looking for a good hiding place to transform (she hadn’t become completely reckless yet, thankfully) after leaving Nino in a rush with a half-assed excuse she had thought of on the spot.

                “Chat Noir isn’t dead, Tikki.” Marinette explained bewildered. “I thought he was dead, but he isn’t! Spots on!”

                Tikki didn’t have time to answer before she was sucked into Marinette’s earrings, and suddenly she was no longer Marinette. She was Ladybug, swinging around Paris looking for her supposedly-dead partner who wasn’t dead after all.

+++

                Chat Noir stopped at one of the highest rooftops in Paris, trying to think of possible places where his partner could be.

                He’d gone to the park, but there was a statue of them there, and Ladybug was avoiding anything that could remind her of the fact that she was, in fact, a super hero (since she hadn’t been feeling particularly good about herself or her spectacular abilities), so he ruled it out almost as soon as he’d gotten there. He’d gone to the Bourgeois Hotel, just to check if no one had seen her (Chloé was a fan, after all). He’d jumped around through almost all the streets in the city, asking some people if they’d seen her. He’d even passed by the Eiffel Tower, just in case she decided to go back there for some reason.

                Nothing.

                No one had seen her since the last akuma attack.

                Some people got confused at his question, and others even fearful, because why was he walking around Paris? Was there an akuma attack? They didn’t know that Ladybug and Chat Noir sometimes patrolled through Paris just to check that no one needed help. They didn’t know Ladybug had disappeared on him and wasn’t seeing his calls.

                Paris was a huge city. He didn’t know who Ladybug was under her mask. And if she didn’t want to be found, Chat Noir wouldn’t be able to find her.

                How was he supposed to find someone when he didn’t know who to look for?

                The answer to that came from the sky. Literally.

                He was just turning around to leave when he saw a red blur and something – actually, someone – barreled into him like a freight-train.

                He stumbled back a few steps but managed to hold himself up while Ladybug clung to him. “Chat,” she breathed out, relief sweeping into her shaking voice. In fact, Chat noticed when he put his arms around her to hug her back, all of her was shaking uncontrollably. “You’re really here.” She murmured, her voice barely above a whisper.

                Chat’s brows furrowed. “Of course I am. I’ve been looking for you. Where have you been?” he asked, feeling her arms tighten around him for a moment as he spoke.

                She ignored his voice completely, instead pulling back just enough to leave trails of kisses around his face (Chat shouldn’t be blushing, he was worried about her, but also, that had been a dream of his for years, and yeah, okay, he was blushing just a little). Ladybug went back to hugging the life out of him, thankfully hiding his (bad timed) blush. The tremors hadn’t stopped, and Chat was worried she was about to have a panic attack.

                He couldn’t see her face, and although he couldn’t pull away from her grip, he didn’t want to. What he needed to do was to make her feel safe. Chat took the fact that she didn’t let him go as a confirmation that she didn’t want him to let her go either. And so he just kept his arms around her, gently rubbing her back soothingly, waiting for her to calm down enough to explain him what had happened the past days.

                “Ladybug--” Chat Noir started after long, quiet minutes.

                “I thought you were dead.” Ladybug admitted with a muffled, broken voice.

                Chat’s brows furrowed. “Dead?”

                Ladybug pulled back to look him in the eyes with her tear stained ones. “Y-You… The akuma attack. You were trying to help me, and then…” her bottom lip started trembling slightly, and Chat hurried to interrupt her.

                “Hey. Hey, don’t do that,” he said quietly, rubbing her shoulders comfortingly. “Don’t worry, bugaboo,” he smiled at her, tenderly wiping a tear from her cheek, “I have nine lives, remember? Well, I suppose I’m down to eight, now.” He chuckled, trying to lift the mood. The truth is he was so relieved to see she was well, he felt like someone had lifted a massive weight from his shoulders.

                “I was so scared,” Ladybug whimpered, hugging him again. “I thought I’d lost you.” A sob racked her body as she continued. “I’m so sorry, Chat.”

+++

                Hours later, there they were. Sitting on the same rooftop as they had done days before, Ladybug’s head resting against Chat’s shoulder, his warmth a steady reassurance that he was still there, next to her. They hadn’t talked much since finding each other, instead basking in the comfortable rhythm of their breathing. Chat wanted to say something, for what felt like hours, but his mind kept replaying the afternoon over and over again – how he hadn’t given up looking for Ladybug. How he’d almost lost all hope before _she_ found him. How scared she seemed, and how relieved and worried he felt. All of it was playing like a loop, and now that he had her safe next to him, he wasn’t sure what to say to keep her there.

+++

_Catch her catch her catch her catch her CATCH HER-_

                 Marinette woke up with a gasp and a scream trapped in her throat. She placed a hand on top of her chest, feeling her rapid heartbeat slowing down slightly as she focused on taking deep breaths. She pushed her hair back, the damp bangs on her forehead annoying her and leaving her even more stressed. She leaned against the wall, trying to calm her thoughts, trying to forget about the same nightmare she had almost every night, instead trying to focus on how she felt when he was sitting with Chat Noir the night before.

                She had spent more than an hour with him, just sitting there, most of the time in silence. She didn’t need to talk, she just needed to know he was okay.

_“People are worried about you,” Chat Noir said quietly, looking straight ahead at the Paris night sky. Their backs were turned away from the Eiffel Tower, but the city was just as stunning. Or it would be, was it not for the circumstances._

_“Hmm?” Ladybug mumbled, the exhaustion finally catching up to her and leaving her tired and drowsy._

_“People who don’t know about what happened at the akuma attack are confused about why Ladybug suddenly disappeared,” he continued._

_“I just didn’t want to face anyone for a while. I thought you were dead,” she murmured, not lifting her head from his shoulder._

_Chat Noir’s hand found hers in the night and held on, a silent promised that he wasn’t going to leave her._

                She looked at Tikki, who was still fast asleep next to her pillow. Tikki was somehow getting more tired everyday too, somehow. Like helping Marinette was draining the energy out of her. So, as much as Marinette wanted to hear comforting words from the small kwami, she decided to let her sleep. Marinette knew that she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep easily now, so she decided to go down to the kitchen after splashing some cold water on her face.

                That must have woken her mother up, because she was there in less than five minutes.

                “Can’t sleep?” she asked quietly.

                Marinette shook her head in silence, watching her mother grab a mug to prepare some hot chocolate.

                It brought her so many memories of late night studying, when her mother would drop by her room to leave her a mug with creamy hot chocolate and a kiss on her forehead before going to sleep. Or when she had a bad day and her parents would sit and watch a movie with her after dinner, each of them with their own mug. It was Sabine’s famous comfort hot chocolate –melted chocolate goodness that the ordinary chocolate and milk drink could never be.

                Sabine had made it so many times since Alya’s death, but Marinette had always refused. Marinette didn’t want to be comforted with hot chocolate, she wanted a best friend to drink it with. Sabine would still leave the mug in Marinette’s room, even though next morning it would be cold and chunky.

                But this time, when Marinette saw her mother hand her the mug, warm and tempting, she accepted. Sabine smiled at her and touched her cheek softly, and the two of them went to the couch in silence.

                “Are you still having nightmares?” Sabine asked, running her hand through Marinette’s hair.

                “Sometimes,” Marinette mumbled, even though that was a lie, and her mother most likely knew it. The nightmares hadn’t stopped. In fact, for the days when she though Chat was dead, they were worse, because instead of having to watch Alya fall to her death over and over again, she had to watch Chat Noir too.

                Sabine stayed quiet for a moment, which was when Marinette knew her mother was going to bring up an idea that she definitely wouldn’t like.

                “Have you given any thought about talking to a professional?” She asked carefully, almost as if she didn’t want to spook her daughter.

                Marinette looked down into her mug to avoid her mother’s eyes.

                “ _Maman_ ,-”

                “I’m just saying, honey… you know we’re here for you, and you can _always_ talk to us,” Sabine looked at her with sympathy. “But maybe a professional can help more than we can alone. We just want you to be better, love.”

                Marinette noticed how she said _better_ , instead of _happy_ , because they’d had a fight about that in the past.

_“We just want you to be happy,” Sabine said, after she noticed some pamphlets about depression and psychotherapy in the trash._

_“Do you think I can ever be happy again? How can I be happy when my best friend is DEAD? Did you think I would just move on from this? Alya was my best friend,_ maman _!” She’d screamed in her parent’s faces before running to her room._

                She felt bad remembering the yelling and the sadness in her parent’s faces, but she had made clear she didn’t want to talk to anybody about it.

                “Can we not talk about this, _maman_?” Marinette asked, sipping on her hot chocolate. She was ashamed at how much it was calming her down, as if hot chocolate was all it took to make her problems go away.

                Sabine nodded somberly and grabbed the remote, turning on the TV and putting it on a low volume level.

                An hour later, Tom walked into the living room to find Marinette asleep with her head in Sabine’s lap, as his wife ran her fingers through their daughter’s hair slowly, half-asleep herself. She’d covered Marinette with a soft blanket, but not herself, so Tom grabbed one from the other couch and wrapped in around Sabine’s shoulders. Sabine smiled gratefully at him and went back to stroking their daughter’s hair absentmindedly.

                It was the most peaceful sleep Marinette had gotten since Alya’s death.

+++

                Marinette went back to school the day after, feeling better now that she knew Chat Noir was alive. She even smiled at Nino and Adrien as she walked past their desk.

                “Good morning, Marinette,” Adrien said with a careful smile. It reminded her of Chat Noir’s smile, somehow, and it made her happy to think that she’d see him later because _he wasn’t dead_. And she’d get to see his smile and hear his terrible jokes, and she’d feel his arms around her whenever she was sad, and…

                Chat Noir couldn’t take away her pain, but it was only when she thought she’d never see him again that she realized how much he helped, just being there for her.

                With those thoughts, she even managed to spend at least thirty minutes without looking at Alya’s empty side on their desk. No matter how much Marinette tried, it would always be _their_ desk. They had sat there every year. And now half of it was empty. Marinette tried not to think about that.

                Apparently, some people noticed she wasn’t feeling as down as usual, because Ms. Bustier asked to speak with her at the end of class.

                When Marinette approached her teacher’s desk, she noticed the small smile.

                “I see you’re feeling better today,” Ms. Bustier commented, “I’m glad.”

                Yes, she was feeling better than a few days ago, mostly because she felt like a massive weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Her partner was alive. Alya was still dead, but Chat Noir wasn’t. The nightmares hadn’t disappeared, but at least now she was sure some of them weren’t real. However, she didn’t think that had such a big impact on her mood that her _teacher_ would notice it.

                Marinette didn’t know what to say to that, so she shrugged with a half-smile.

                “Have you been seeing a therapist?” Ms. Bustier asked hopefully.

                Marinette’s color drained from her cheeks.

                Why was everyone so adamant that she went to a therapist? Did everyone think she was that _weak_ that she couldn’t handle her grief by herself? That she needed someone to tell her sweet nothings about how they understood her feelings when they didn’t?

                She didn’t _want_ a therapist, and she surely didn’t want everyone implying she _needed_ one.

                Marinette forced another smile.

                “No, I haven’t,” she replied shortly, after which Ms. Bustier’s smile faltered a bit, “I’m sorry, Ms. Bustier, I have to go,” she said as she turned her back and quickly walked out of the classroom.

                She didn’t stop until she was at home, in her room, burrowing under her covers and sighing in relief.

                _Finally_ , she thought. The day hadn’t been as bad as usual, but she was exhausted. She almost didn’t know how to exist anymore. Everything she did that wasn’t sleeping (and even that, she couldn’t manage to do properly) was draining.

                Well, maybe seeing Chat Noir was the only thing that didn’t make her tired. Mostly because he was the only one who, although he was careful around her, didn’t treat her like she was weak. Chat Noir was probably the only person who thought she was strong. He’d always admired her strength and determination to protect their city.

                Maybe that’s why Marinette felt the need to see him, to not let him down.

                So at night, at almost midnight, she landed on the usual rooftop, where he was already waiting.

+++

                It was the first time since Alya’s death that Ladybug _smiled_ at him.

                And he didn’t mean a forced smile or a half-assed try to make one, he meant a _genuine_ smile, like those grins she shot him after their battles were won a few months ago.

                Chat Noir thought he wasn’t easily surprised, so much so that he’d turned around even before Ladybug’s feet hit the ground, already knowing she was arriving.

                But that smile made his knees go weak. He didn’t even know how much he’d missed it until he went for weeks without seeing it. He found himself smiling back at her (when wouldn’t he smile at her, really? Impossible) as she approached him.

                “Good evening, my lady,” he said, taking a small bow. As he straightened out, he felt her pulling him into a hug. Instinctively, his arms circled her waist, hugging her tighter.

                “What’s this about?” He asked when she stepped back.

                “I’m just glad you’re here,” Ladybug replied tenderly, her fingers playing with a strand of his hair.

                Chat Noir’s grin widened. Who knew almost dying was all it took for her to smile like that?

+++

                “Things have been weird at home,” Ladybug says after a silent stretch.

                They don’t usually talk about their private lives. Almost everything about them has been a mystery to the other. But Ladybug doesn’t exactly have anyone else to talk to. She doesn’t want to talk to her parents because she doesn’t want to worry them. Nino is going through some hard times too, so they’d probably be sulking together until she couldn’t breathe anymore. And she doesn’t want her friendship with Adrien being reduced to a constant state of anguish. She doesn’t feel comfortable with anyone else enough to talk about meaningful things.

                So that leaves Chat Noir, who’s looking at her, waiting patiently for her to continue.

                “I…” she hesitates. It’s been so long since she’s made an actual effort to talk to someone about what she’s feeling and thinking, now she doesn’t know how to begin. “I feel like everyone’s walking on eggshells around me.”

                Chat’s brows furrowed slightly. “What do you mean?”

                Ladybug tugged at her hair in frustration. She didn’t know what to say. Her mind couldn’t come up with the right words. It was all a jumbled mess. “They want me to see a therapist.” She sighed.

                “Who?”

                “My parents.”

                Chat was silent for a second. If Ladybug’s parents wanted her to see a therapist, then that meant that they knew she was unhappy. And that meant…

                “Do they know? I mean… Do they know that you’re Ladybug?”

                Ladybug hesitated. She knew talking to Chat Noir was a bad idea. She knew it was difficult to talk about personal things without leaving hints about their real lives, which put them in danger.

                Was it worth it, though? Hiding everything, having yet another burden on their shoulders to protect their identity?

                Maybe. She didn’t know anymore. She didn’t even feel like a real superhero anymore.

                “No…” Ladybug ended up replying quietly. “They… think it’s because of something else.”

                “Oh,” Chat Noir breathed out quietly. So something has been bothering Ladybug, other than Alya’s death, he guessed.

                “And now I just…” Ladybug exhaled. “I feel suffocated, like every time I talk to them, they shove the therapist thing in my throat.”

                Chat swallowed before speaking.

                “Have you considered it, though?” He asked.

                He knew he’d said something wrong the minute Ladybug turned her head to look at him in disbelief.

                “Therapy? Do you think I need someone poking at my brain to figure out what I’m thinking?” She asked, irritated. “Do you think I’m not strong enough to deal with this myself, is that it?” She stood up, suddenly.

                Chat stood up hastily, trying to keep up with her, “That’s not what I--”

                “I knew I shouldn’t have talked to you about this,” she said with a huff, surreptitiously wiping at her eyes while taking large steps away from her partner, “you’re just like everyone else.”

                Her chest was tightening up – she could feel the panic settling in. _Breathe_ , said a meek voice in the back of her mind, but not nearly loud enough to make itself heard amongst all the other suffocating thoughts. She’d opened her heart to the only person she thought understood her, and he’d acted like she was a sick person, needing help. After helping her deal with panic attacks, telling her that everything would be okay, he now treated her like a weak girl who couldn’t think for herself. How could she ever think they’d be anything more than mere partners? And why did she feel so utterly upset about that?

                “Ladybug, wait!” Chat Noir was practically running after her, but he wasn’t fast enough. By the time he caught up with her, she’d already thrown her yo-yo far away. The only thing he could touch before she jumped away from him was the rough fabric of the costume covering her arm. “Ladybug!” he called out one last time before turning away and pulling his hair in frustration. He screwed up. Oh, he screwed up massively. He should have given her more time before he started talking about therapists and dealing with pain. He’d already gone through the process of losing someone, he should know better than to try and force someone to get help when they’re still grieving.

+++

                Marinette was in tears by the time she got to her balcony. Her breath was coming out in short pants, and she felt like she was drowning in thoughts of _never being enough._ Not enough to save Alya, not enough to save Chat Noir, not enough to save anyone, not enough to deal with her problems herself not enough _not enough_ **_not enough_**.

                “Detransform me,” Marinette gasped, urgently trying to claw her way out of her suit. “Tikki, detransform me! Spots off! DETRANSFORM ME!” She didn’t realize how loud she was being. At that moment, she didn’t really care. She just didn’t want to be Ladybug anymore. She didn’t want to feel any more a failure than she already felt as _Marinette._ She wasn’t the superhero Paris needed or wanted. She didn’t want to be a failure and a disappointment anymore. She just wanted out. Tikki got the message, though, and soon enough the kwami was floating in front of her face while Marinette clutched at her t-shirt.

                “Marinette, what happened?” Tikki asked, distressed. Her human seemed to be doing better before the conversation with Chat Noir. She didn’t understand.

                “I can’t…” Marinette whimpered between tears. “I can’t do this anymore.”

                Tikki stopped moving as the words settled in, chilling her to the core. Marinette couldn’t mean what she thought she meant.

                “I can’t be Ladybug,” Marinette sobbed, looking into her distressed kwami’s eyes. “I can’t do it anymore.”

                It was destroying her. She felt like she was rotting from the inside out. Alya’s death, the panic attacks, people’s stares and pity looks, the therapy pamphlets, Chat Noir always looking at her like she was going to get better when she _wasn’t._ And on top of that, having to transform almost every night to try and keep a whole city safe from evil, being a living reminder that Alya’s death was her fault, that she couldn’t even do her job right – it was tearing her up.

                “Yes, you can, Marinette!” Tikki encouraged, floating around trying to catch Marinette’s eyes. “Master Fu is never wrong about who he chooses for us. You’re going through a hard time, but it will get better, and then-”

                “It’s never going to get better, Tikki,” Marinette whimpered, “it’s been weeks and it hasn’t gotten better. I don’t even want to leave my bed, let alone fight akumas.” She took a shuddered breath, before wiping her eyes. “You’ll have to find someone else. Someone better.” She was already lifting her hands to her ears when she heard Tikki’s panic call.

                “Marinette, don’t-!”

                “I’m sorry, Tikki,” she felt a few more tears fall as she took off her dotted earrings, and watched dejectedly as Tikki was pulled inside of them helplessly.

+++

                The following three nights, Chat Noir returned to that same spot where Ladybug had last met him, hoping that she’d forgiven him and came back.

                He’d tried calling her, but she never answered, which meant she didn’t transform. So he waited and hoped and sat tight.

                It was almost midnight that third night when he heard a noise behind him. He turned around quickly, but the noise didn’t come from Ladybug. Someone had opened the building’s door to the roof. He stood up hurriedly, ready to make a break for it before anyone could recognize him. He didn’t really feel like talking to concerned citizens at that hour when his mind was occupied with Ladybug.

                But when he grabbed his baton, he noticed that the person who had opened the door was very familiar.

                “Marinette?” he mumbled to himself, putting his baton back on his belt.

                What was she doing there at that hour? Her house wasn’t even on that street.

                Chat Noir walked up to her, concerned as she noticed her eyes were red-rimmed and slightly puffy, like she’d been crying. It wasn’t unusual for Marinette to cry often the past few weeks. Adrien knew Nino did it too. Adrien also found himself crying to sleep some nights. But the rest of the circumstances were strange.

                “Marinette?” Chat Noir asked again, louder this time, as he was approaching her.

                “I have something to give you,” Marinette said without preamble. And he could be mistaken, but he thought he saw a tear at the corner of Marinette’s eye.

                Chat’s confusion only grew with her words. He looked down at her hands, and noticed one of them was clasped around something protectively.

                When he didn’t say anything, Marinette grabbed one of his gloved hands herself. Even with the suit on, he could feel how cold Marinette’s petite hand was under his. She placed the clenched hand on top of his and looked into his green eyes with a devastated look as she let something drop on it.

                Chat Noir felt something on his palm, but he couldn’t figure out what it was, and he couldn’t see it with Marinette’s hand still on top of his. His brows furrowed as he tried to make sense of Marinette’s look, a tear now rolling freely down her rose-colored cheek.

                “I’m sorry, Chat.” Marinette whimpered, before her voice was drowned by a soft sob. More tears followed. Chat didn’t know what was happening. He didn’t know what to do.

                Her hands guided his open palm to close around the small objects. They didn’t break the stare, and Chat was starting to get nervous. None of what was happening made sense. Not Marinette showing up on his and Ladybug’s spot at midnight, not her apologizing, and not her looking at him like she was never going to see him again.

                She let go of his hand and wiped her tears quickly, turning back before he could say a word. When he opened his palm and realized what she’d given him, his heart stopped for a second. He didn’t understand.

                Ladybug’s earrings.

                Why would Marinette give him Ladybug’s earrings? Why would she _have_ them?

                By the time Chat realized what it meant and looked up with a panicked look, Marinette was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm back? To those still reading, thanks for not giving up. I have the last two chapters planned, I just need to finish them and then it will be done! I hope you've enjoyed the story so far :)


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